Explain my doodle

Doodle
Originally uploaded by Delmonti.

I wrote this on my desk (IBM don't supply post-it-pads anymore, they are too expensive.... and would probably cause the downfall of this great blue chip company).

I was on the phone to the helpless desk about one of my accounts being made inactive which in turn flagged me as a "delinquent"** to my boss. I needed this to be rectified before someone of authority sucked my eyeballs out and replaced them with hot toffee apples.

While on the phone my subconscious wrote a cryptic message on my desk in pencil then scurried off in search of sticky-backed-plastic and a naive harbour master.

Could this be the answer I've been searching for?

Could it simply be random daubings?

Could you pass me my Lithium?


** Delinquent - Past due; not paid at the scheduled time; "an overdue instalment"; "a delinquent account"

Our green and pleasant land

A Bank Holiday! As no-one else I knew wanted me involved in anything they were doing this weekend I decided to naff off on the bike..... You'd think the offer of a ride out into the English countryside on a spectacular summers day with a picnic would entice someone* to come along with me.... wouldn't you? (* female only, I'm not "new man" enough to have a bloke nestling my buttocks on the back of the bike).

A quick flick in the Reader Digest Road Book and I came across Glastonbury Tor, far enough away to make a day of it and in the right direction to find some exhilarating roads to master.

So, a 7am start..... camera, wallet, GPS and two cans of Red Bull... I'm ready. Thumb the starter, savour the growl of the Blue Flame exhausts and I'm off....

There's nowt like hitting the sweet spot of an apex on a twisty "B" road.. and my trip to Glastonbury was full of 'em. 100% concentration, 100% exhilaration, fantastic.

Oh, you wanna know about the Tor, well, its a big hill with an old tower thingy on top... you can see for miles on a clear day.... if thats your bag that is.

Pictures from the rideout here

MotoGP Brno, Czech Republic....

The Hero, Valentino Rossi.

He starts round 11 of the MotoGP world Championships in 4th position, not the best place to start but thats never stopped him winning before.

Here's to a corker GP, it'll be live on Eurosport at 12.30pm so dont miss it.

I really dont like spiders...

Web outside my flat
Originally uploaded by Delmonti.

This is the little bugger that spins a web just at the right height for me to get a fisog full of spidy batter.....

Back to school

A few years ago I went to a school reunion for the Class of '83 (thats the year I left school)...... this is my story...

"Dave Dawson, Dicky Dawson?" .....and that's where I stopped. Suddenly realising there was nothing of significance which could have happened in the last 20 years since I last saw this person. Hoping that they remember something that will start the conversation off and avoid the cold hard fact I made no impact on their lives whatsoever.......... it sounds scary doesn't it. That moment when you realise the other person has "no idea who the hell you are", "why you're here", and more importantly, "why you are talking to them". It can be scary.... that's the natural reaction, the unnatural reaction would be to spin out the most ridiculous story of human achievement/suffering you can conjure up in approximately 5 minutes of conversation with someone who has the balls to stand there and not remember who you were at school...... how dare they.

At least that what I thought. Not at first of course.... It took at least half a bottle of JD before I formulated my plan to keep me entertained. Thanks Goober!

The art of bullshitting someone who you've just met for no other reason than entertainment is fast becoming one of my top pastimes. But only when the time is right. Its a bit like the summer/winter solstice at Stone Henge, for 363 days of the year Stone Henge is a bunch of old stones robbing valuable agricultural land from some local farmer, but come the solstice it transforms into an intersteller pangalactic roadmap to the n'th dimension which attracts travellers & gipo's like a council tip on bin day.

On this occasion, my solstice happened to be a combination of heavy drinking, insufferable boredom and not actually liking anyone I met (this was to change as the night went on!).

I probably need to set the scene for anyone who does not know what the hell I'm on about... well, thanks to the world wide web I found out there was a school reunion in the small mining town I grew up in. 1983 seems to be the year it was based on, which also happens to be the final year of our internment in state education and the point at which we were spewed forth onto a blank canvas entitled "Life". The soundtrack for this was a combination of The Jam/Stiff Little Fingers/Big Country/U2 with a little Human League and Frankie Goes to Hollywood thrown in to remind you that sh*t sticks and never to underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Its 19 years on. Everyone will be in the 35/36 age range. Should be a right owld giggle.

It took four hours, fifteen minutes for me to drive the 330 miles back to Peterlee. Non stop. Which isn't bad for a Saturday morning. Arrived at Goobers in the afternoon and was greeted in the traditional Easington Colliery/Peterlee manner. Several tonal grunts and the offer of instant coffee. It was going to be a good day.

I should point out that Goober is my official "Brother From Another Mother". We share most things in life except bodily fluids and footballing tastes. We have an internal sense of each others humour, which can make it difficult for anyone else who happens to join us as they usually have no idea what we're on about and tend to wander off in search of saner company..... But what the hell, its all part of being smarter than the average bear.

Easington Comprehensive was an unusual school. Split into two some years afore, the "Lower" school was for 1st to 3rd years while the newer larger "Upper" school was for 4th/5th years with an important inclusion.......... "Murtoners". Murton is another small mining town about 8 miles north west of Easington. For some reason the local authority decided that it would close Murtons own school (I'm assuming Murton actually had a school) and send all its future yackers to Easington and let them mix it with the rest of us. I think it was a smart move, for no other reason than I met a lot of people who changed the way I thought about stuff, and mostly for the better.

Anyhow, back to the reunion. We were getting a lift to the Village Inn in Easington from Shelly to meet up with some of the lads. I was wearing my "smoke & mirrors" outfit....... black shirt, black trousers, black shoes, leather jacket with "I'M NOT FAT" in 4 inch letters on the back (this is only visible to me you understand). Goober on the other hand does not need to convince people of anything so donned his Scarborough shirt heavily impregnated with Lynx and a nice pair of jeans..... We looked like the bast**d offspring of Steptoe & Son. It REALLY was gonna be a top night.

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The Starwars Cafe.

There were two large halls, one full of disco equipment and the other full of cast members from the Starwars cafe. Its an eerie feeling walking into a room full of people who vaguely look like small children you once went to school with.... Names would drift through the ether, pick a victim and mug their ability to recall any details of that person. I believe taking large quantities of magic mushrooms has the same effect.

It soon became apparent that the best course of action would be to stand against the far wall and try to workout which names could possibly match a face, then attempt to remember whether or not that person was gonna slap you one for some forgotten-childish-school-yard-prank you failed to recall and subsequently scared them for life (ahem!.... you know who you are!).
While Goober & myself played out this action I suddenly realised a parallel with past times.. Here we were, standing in a large full room, away from the crowd and being ignored by everyone........ sort of sums up almost every assembly, breaktime and gathering at Easington Comprehensive I attended. The jury's still out on whether I find this comforting or depressing.

I'm finding it difficult to write about any of the people I chatted with. Mainly because the discussion tended to revolve around me doing sumert embarrassing at school or which would cause upset to people who know me. It was at this point I decided not to play any mind games, these people were starting to interest me, and I got involved in some very grown up conversations (Mr Shepherd & Super spring to mind). The phrase "I only drink to make other people more interesting" was loosing its credibility.

Not everything went to plan tho'. I did meet some scary people, maybe they were playing mind games with me? I was simply too drunk to work it out. One person in particular re-lighted my plan for mind games when they attempted to use psychology on Goober for no other reason than to impress. I wont go into details, but someone from our school now thinks I'm a Jingle writer for commercial radio and part time Reverend in the Universal Life Church (births, deaths & marriages are ok, circumcisions are a no-no) and exiting with a suspected colostomy bag failure got me a head start for the door.

Apparently we're all doing it again in five years. With a bit of luck, I'll be there.

Thanks to the people who organised the reunion, a top night was had. Thanks

Sorry, did I nearly kill you.... never mind then

You fucking mong.

Yes, you!…. The fuckwit driver who thinks his mobile phone call is more important than my life. Come over here while I beat some fucking common sense into your gorilla thick noggin.

Yep, it’s happened again. While entering a roundabout on my bike a cunt-on-a-phone in a huge 4x4 decided he’d rather listen to a voice mail from his manky little girlfriend rather than concentrate on not killing me….. Then, in a fit of ineptitude he carries on in his Monster Truck still with the mobile clamped to his radiated fizog.

What a complete cunt. Blissfully unaware not to mention spatially inept. I only hope his continued use of the mobile phone renders him sterile, we simply don’t need his kind of genes in a society which has evolved because of its ability to care for its fellow beings.

You’re a social embarrassment with no concept of empathy. A fuckwit of the highest order. Please take an overdose, suck on a tail pipe, borrow a gun from a friend, ANYTHING, please…… make this world a little lighter for the rest of us.

Something you may not know about TALKING ON THE FUCKING PHONE WHILE DRIVING!!!

1. You are a fuckwit, no, really, you are


2. You are 4 times more dangerous than a drunk driver


3. You are a fuckwit


4. Dead horses are more reactive in dangerous situation than you are


5. You are a fuckwit


6. 100% of people on the Isle Of Wight know where you live and are coming to get you


7. You are a fuckwit


8. Your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband IS having an affair


9. You are a fuckwit


10. You have a minimum wage job and drive a white van


11. You really are a fuckwit


12. You will die lonely and penniless in a pool of your own piss


13. You are a fuckwit

Spirits.....

First off, sorry Pete. I’ve only been awake for an hour so I’ve missed your wedding night time do…. Was looking forward to that…. Bugger…… I promise to come to the next one ;-)

Last night was my return to JB’s in Dudley to see the Wonder Stuff. Normally a very enlightening experience and full to the brim with alcohol, good company and spirit lifting music…… and I wasn’t disappointed (much).

After a pain-in-the-arse drive up the M25 and then M40 we arrived at the Station Hotel.. I’ve stayed there a few times now but not because of its luxurious rooms or service to its customers. It’s within hockleing distance from JB’s and you tend to find it full of Stuffies and after gig parties.

But this time would be different; I managed to get Room 214 which is well known for its unpaying resident ghost who apparently is “waiting for someone”…(the un-named ghost didn’t stay un-named for long, The Hudd christened (sic) him “Eric”). Did our vigil reveal any paranormal activities? Well, sort of… Look here!

We took a few hours to freshen up with several glasses of vodka & coke then went down to the restaurant bar to see who was there. The old reliables were out in force with a few surprises. A few hello’s to Miles, Russ, Jenny, Ian and one or two new faces and we sat down to swill more vodka…..

Some people leave an indelible impression on your very being, and The Ditch Pig is one of them. I thought she’d been processed by Walls years ago but a friendly tap on the shoulder revealed that she was still with us without much changing. Oh well, never mind then.

At this point The Hudd was looking a tad intoxicated, nothing unusual there but I had my doubts if she’d make it to the main event….. it was only 8pm afterall!

I do love JB’s, it’s a well designed gaff considering it’s in Dudley. Plenty of bar space and bar staff and three raised sections of floor means you always get a decent view of the band.

Just after 9 and TWS are on and I was making my way out of the venue….. I’ve never really attempted a fireman’s lift before, but it seemed the best way to get The Hudd out of the building and across the duel carriageway. I wrestled The Hudd into her bed, made sure she had some water and got back to JB’s within 10 mins to join in with the ambience… besides, Eric would look after her

And what a corker of a gig it was…. Unfortunately, I missed the aftershow party (if there was one). Drunk, I went to check on The Hudd, I remember making sure she was breathing then the next thing I know it’s four o’clock in the morning…. Cak!

PS: There's some right bastards around in Dudley, look what someone did to Tom's car...

Delmonti has left the building.....

Please leave a tone after the message.....

I'll be off to see the Wonder Stuff at JB's in Dudley tomorrow.... and boy do I need my fix right now. They re-energise my very being... Let the adventure begin.

Oh, not only that but I'll be staying at the Station Hotel.... a bit of a shit hole really but I did manage to book Room 214, which is haunted by a ghost who waits for "someone"... Lets hope its got no sense of smell and an interest in pornography.

While I'm on the subject of TWS, I will be having a "chat" with Mr Hunt on his strange attire, it seems he's wearing my dads tank tops..... I do hope it's a problem with his washing machine and not some midlife crisis he's going through......

I'll let ya know.

arse...Arse.....ARSE..... A.R.S.E

For crying out loud... It's ARSE not ass! How many times? You're not from the Bronx, you've never seen the New York Yankees and for Christs sake PULL YA BLOODY TROUSERS UP.

NB: I am aware that many of you will realise the picture above is in fact an Onagar (Asiatic Wild Ass) also known as a Half Ass. Not to be confused with the fleshy parts of the backside.

I can see the pub from here.........

There's nowt like looking at big things is there? Doesn't really matter what it is, big things always attract a crowd.


So, it was off to Parliament Hill on Hampstead Heath today to look at a big chair. A quick stop off at Tesco's for a sarnie and coke, pick up The Hudd and set the GPS and we're off.

Now, Hampstead Heath is massive, so why oh why have a car park so small? Oh hell yes, have a humongous table and chair right in the middle but feck anyone wanting to come visit in the car... typical small minded authority's...... and stop with the environment argument, there's a capital city just down the hill spewing out lumps of carbon the size of breeze blocks...... Oh the humanity!

Its a good road for a Hardly-Ableson

Some routes ya win, some ya don't. The trip to Rendlesham Forest was crap, the A10/A12 was straight and full of twats, a perfect road for Harley Davidsons. But if you have a bike that accelerates, goes round corners without shaving bits off the exhaust and not sound like a tractor then choose roads that have bends in them....much more fun.

It wasn't all bad tho, some of it was appalling. We missed the rain but not the wet roads, didn't see any aliens either and nearly walloped a few dear into the bargin.

I'd had enough when we stopped at Orford Castle, it was then that I realised I hadn't taken any photographs so took this one. Not very interesting really, not even for a castle (notice the woman in the bottom right of the photo, she also took some dull photos).

I think Tom on his new Fazer 600 realised that touring on a bike is not always mind blowing'ly exciting. Sometimes it's bloody cold, wet and tiring. We clocked up a total of 326 miles in 6 hours and 51 mins...... most of it dull as arse.

We did eventually stumble across some nice twisty bits and trounced a few local bikers (well, I did, Tom still has to have the training wheels removed first).


more luck next time

By the way, it says BALLS on your face.

It's funny.... but sometimes you get to see a film that hits all the right buttons. Garden State written and directed by Zach Braff was one for me.

Odd families, odd people..... even odd dogs make this film more quirky than a very quirky thing indeed.

Sometimes when shit happens, you get to notice how odd people react around you, this film (for me) shows just what can happen.

It's one of those films I'm gonna have to buy, even the soundtrack is right up my street.

Beachy Head....

I did go to Beachy Head. Although, its never the destination that counts, its the getting there that matters.

Used the GPS to nav a route and decided to try the A272 from Winchester to somewhere I cant remember then onto Beachy Head. This time I didn't miss any turns (Hurrah!). So, a total of 270 miles and a max speed of just 103 mph (done on a private stretch of race track.... Officer) with a total time of just over 5 hours.

Tomorrow its off to Rendlesham Forest, a well known UFO site where odd people wander the woods at the dead of night searching for imaginary friends........ There are one or two of my friends I wish were imaginary.....


Ho Hum

Procrastination.....

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I'm on holiday, usually that means you're meant to have a good time right? But the thought of going "oop norf" on the bike is not sitting pretty with me right now.

For a start, the weather is looking a bit grim for the weekend (remember I'll be on the bike). I'll have to listen to all the grumbles from various people but most of all, I simply cant be arsed right now.

I still need to go out on the bike tho. There's an interesting rideout from Winchester to Beachy Head (about 230 miles) I could do today..... yes, think I'll do that.

Hey Ho....another day June...

First day of the holiday.....

Lots of sleep, lots of cleaning, lots of drinking cider that I found in the fridge!

Gotta start thinking about where I'm gonna go on the bike over the weekend. Too many choices you see. Up North? Local? I dunno. I'll probably just spend most of the time in the flat, thinking of places to go.

I have been watching The Comic Strip Presents DVD box set which can be a strain..... Don't get me wrong, it's fantastic, but it does turn me to drink and eventually a messy flat strewn with DVD's, empty bottles of drink and an uncontrollable urge to shout at passing cars.

Last day at work, I can bring a toy in to play with!

I never knew I was so important..... although it seems I'm only important when I'm NOT at work.
You see, I've got to do all of the following before I can go on holiday..

• Set up my "out of office" notice in e-mail to let them all know I'm not here
  
• Record a message to say I'm on holiday on my voice mail and to say I'm not available
• Update network diary so people can see I'm not here
  
• Ensure that my "Activity Report" tells everyone I'm on holiday
• Find someone who can act as deputy while I'm away
• Have a complete "handover" ready for my deputy

Thing is, no-one emails me, calls me, checks my diary or even gives a toss what projects I'm doing. The thought of having a deputy is kinda fun, having someone around that HAS to care about what you might be doing.

Interesting concept, but totally wasted on me.

Haircut, Bike Service and real tabs..

Haircut, Bike Service and real tabs...... must be payday then.

IBM finally coughed up my overtime for the last 6 weeks. So I'm flush again, just as well 'cos the bike service is gonna drill a fairly large hole in the wallet.

BB's birthday on Friday night was a corker, the BV was full, Carol got Gabby to DJ and the Cava was flowing. As per usual back at BB's the party continued, Jez accidentaly smashed more glasses, Camilla wandered off into the night, I fell asleep for an hour, Tom cleaned the floor with Champaign while everyone else just got plain drunk.

Click here to see the photos

Sometimes, there's nowt like a milky coffee.

It was Thursday night last night. Thursday evenings tend to be expensive, loud, rowdy and soaked in alcohol. Which is a very good thing

The usual crowd were at the BV. Insults and compliments filled the close evening air and everyone had a good time.

The Tit-Witch* was also there.. but for some reason didn't sneer at me, which is unusual, maybe she has other more important things to worry about?



* The Tit-Witch: An obnoxious booze soaked hollow-headed bint in her early 40's. She's a pig-in-a-wig who uses her personality as a contraceptive. Her only asset is her grossly inflated shirt-potatoes which she shows off by wearing a "Bingo Dress" (eyes down, look in for a full house). I'd love to show a photograph but as she has no reflection this isn't possible.

Brrrruuummmmm

flum flum flum, brrrrrrrrr, brrrrrrr, brrrrrrrrr, grrrummmm, grrrrruummmm. parp parp parp parp

thats better

Rodents...

Don't bother with hamsters, they're bloody stupid.

Four days into ownership and I've had enough. For the first 2 days the little twat was pissing in the enclosed exercise wheel then running as fast as she could. The result was a piss stained hamster covered in bits of food & sawdust. It's like being in Hartlepool all over again.

I had to remove the wheel.

Now, she's gone one better. She has moved her "nest" (a purpose designed area full of nice warm clean bedding) to the feeding dome. The dome has a food tray and water bottle... or at least it did when I went to bed last night. This morning the dome was full to the brim with bedding, the access tube was blocked with sawdust and the silly little bastard was drenched with water from the bottle (the bedding had sucked all the water from the water pipe which in turn soaked the stupid little get).

Oh and she's filled one of the food trays with shite.

Thoughts turn to despicable acts of immense cruelty...... it's tempting at the moment, but I'll hold off for now.







Sorry no piccys of the hamster, it gets on my tits too much

Knackeredness.

I'm knackered.

Combinations of busted thyroid gland, five year olds that wake up at 5.30am and drunken "friends" that insist you goto the pub and wont goto sleep until 2am.

Tonight I get my bed to myself, the phone will be OFF and I'm electrifying the door.

The Relatively Inexpensive Nanny comes back from "Global Gathering" tonight, some kinda mass Burberry swap event for Chavs and Halfords Hero's* where they play bangin' Choons..... sounds more like someone building a shed to me.




Halford Hero: Usually the owner of a Peugeot 106 with body kit, lowered suspension, neon lights and an exhaust like a feckin' coal scuttle.