I dream of work....

Sorry about the rain......

It's my fault. It always pisses down when I have to take the bike in for a service.....

Live people ignore the strange and unusual

What the hell am I doing here? Sometimes it's like I've woken from a twelve year coma… colostomy bag fitted and unable to walk due to muscle wastage….. a dribbling idiot, unable to quit describing something that should of stopped a few badly constructed sentences ago.

I think I'm having withdrawal symtoms from Antihistermines..... I got an itch inside my bladder I just cant reach.

Better days?

Sometimes, you look within yourself to find the right kind of words to give the people you love. I was never gifted enough to express the kind of emotion I feel, thats why all my heros are musicians.....

Lyrics and music are my emotions. They have the ability to speak in volumes what I feel and want to say. The following fits with Who I Am and Where I want To Be.... right now.

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive

Goo Goo Dolls: Better Days

Near 40 year old draws cock on ballot paper.....

Yes I know, it's not big and its not clever...... but it is.... me.

Yesterday was Local Elections day, a day when you get to vote for the person you want in control at the local council offices.

Normally, I don't like to vote as it just encourages them (politicians that is), but it was sunny and I could pop into the pub on the way.... I would need a few pints to put me in the mood.

So, I sit down with a pint of Landlord and begin reading a piece in the Express about the General Strike that took place 80 years ago to the day.... moving stuff I can tell ya, every port in the UK had a British war ship in situ with guns pointing land-ward, army and police on the streets and the aristocracy "sooting" up just in case the revolution came (9 years previous the Russian Revolution had taken place, nasty affair, lots of very angry people and all that stuff).

So, I had to have another pint and began thinking of all the struggles people had been through for me to have my vote.... I was stirred up, I was determined to make my mark (ie, a cross on the ballot paper).

I waddled off to the polling station and got my voting paper..... I was shocked..... normally, there's about a dozen candidates on there, the three main parties, a few independents and a handful of nutters but this time there was only two! I even looked about my feet in case I'd dropped part of the voting paper but no..... there was only two on there........

And guess what, they were Conservative and Liberal.... thats it, no more. As far as I'm concerned thats not a choice.......

So, being the mature responsible adult I am........ a drew a huge cock on the ballot paper.

I toyed with the idea of staying up all night just so I could catch Jonathon Dimbleby announce the results for the Runnymede and Weybridge ward.... "....and results just in for Runnymede and Weybridge.... Conservatives 106,452...... Liberals 24,901...... and one feck-off huge hand-drawn cock"

RESULTS: Conservatives got in again..... heres to more empty office blocks and Luxury housing.... feckers.

Sequent Computer Systems: Lobbing it in the bin.

Ah yes, I can hear it now...... "hell man, I used to work there!" and "hell man, they cant do that" and "hell man, haven't they dumped all that crap by now"

Whatever your thoughts, the old IS Computer room in Weybridge will be cleared out this week, to make room for a small coconut grove and putting green.

So I thought I'd take a few bad quality photos on my phone and post them up. I've stuck them on Flickr so you can add "witty" notes yourselves... and maybe even remind me what those off-white boxes were called and used for.

If you have no idea what I'm on about then thats fine, just bugger off and go look at porn or something


Click on the image below to wizz off to Flickr and have a butchers at the photos.

Self Help

In 1882 Samuel Smiles (great surname) in his book "Self Help" declared:

"that nothing creditable can be accomplished without application and diligence, that we must not be daunted by difficulties, but conquer them by patience and perseverance, and that, above all, we must seek elevation of character"

...you would not believe it... I've just had to type this out TWICE as I accidently deleted the first post.... I think someOne, somewhere, is trying to tell me something.

It's just not a good quote without something being conquered*

*PT....please refrain from any horse chestnut related conker jokes..... and dont ask how I knew you were thinking of them, I just know these things.

Thankyou Ms Moore!

Yes, cheers Jo!

On your recommendation I took my little fruitloop off to Wakehurst Place on Saturday.... and it was great. But as usual with crap Dads I didn't plan ahead and forgot to ask her mum to pack some wet or cold weather stuff.... and it was bloody cold, but we endured and enjoyed a little.



In fact, I decided to join the National Trust there and then.... I think it may come in handy as I can now get free entry to hundreds of stately homes without pretending to be Rose from Upstairs Downstairs....... I've even got a car sticker which gives me free parking on top of windy hills in the middle of nowhere.....

I can hardly wait!

Saint George - Patron Saint of Syphillis

Hmmm, Sunday will be Saint George's Day - Patron St. Of England

Yes, thats right...... That bloke who kills dragons and saves the damsel in distress is also the bloke to seek out if you've gotton yourself a dose of the pox. In fact, it gets better, cos' the fella is also the patron St. for all skin rashes and diseases ...... including Leprosy (calling leprosy a "skin rash" does belittle it a tad, but you get the drift I expect)

Now this really IS the kind of Saint I'd want for England.... I've no idea how you go about getting a patronage for a Saint, but I think we should also include Shell Suits and Burberry as part of George's Patronage collection.

So, in honor of our great nation and it's ravenous appetite for other peoples culture I'd like to share with you what I think "being English" really is....

"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer... then traveling home and grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most English thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign "

*and yes, I guess I am English. Does that make me proud? No not really, my pride lies in my children, and one day England will be proud of them.

It's consuming my every thought....

He's gonna have to go.... probably

I simply cant be arsed with anyone under the age of 25, they are just too high maintenance.

Who am I talking about? well, its the new "flatmate". He's just a bloody nightmare and will have to go.... even tho' I've already told him he'll have to leave by the end of June (for other reasons). I may have to revise that to the end of next month.

I cant be wandering around after him picking up his dirty plates, cleaning the kitchen after he's used it and cleaning out the shower after he's been in it. Not to mention having to empty his clothes from the washing machine because he cant be arsed to do it himself.

I've told him once.... in the nicest kind of way, but I'm in two minds as to whether to tell him again or just give him his notice to leave.....I really don't want to have this hassle at all, I've much more serious things to think about

I've already had to restrict the amount of PC's he got on at once (only 1 DHCP address now active).... he's got a multiscreen PC under his desk in the living room along with a Multi Media Mini PC which is switched on over night and when he's away, not to mention his laptop in his room. It's like living with a teenager, constantly having to remind him to switch off lights, PC's and ovens (yes, he can retrieve his food from the oven but unable to switch it off).

It's a lack of respect and common decency. I'm no teacher, but if any of my kids turn out like him, I'd be ashamed to let them outta the house.

And the sun that beats on the window

In the morning is a doorway

And the sun that calls through the window

Every morning is a doorway

Just like the Queen, he's 80!

George Dawson…. 80 years old

To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to a long weekend in Peterlee with the relatives. It’s a 5 hour drive and I’d have Emily with me. I’ve done the drive hundreds of times and it isn’t really all that bad, but how would a five year old cope?

Well, I need not of worried, she loved every minute of it… at least the bits that she was awake for. Meeting the rest of the “Dawsons” was another concern. It’s not that they are bad, mad or a tad sad…. It’s just that I don’t know who the hell they are. I have vague recollections of cousins, aunties and uncles but because of various family feuds in the past no-one has ever kept in touch. If it wasn’t for the odd one karking it every now and again I think we’d all prefer to forget about it all.

But that’s not gonna happen this weekend as it’s my Dad’s 80^th birthday and I’d promised to bring Emily up to meet the family.

There was one aspect of all this I was pleased about, and that’s “Our Susan” (the alpha female of the Dawson troop). I’ve put “Our Susan” in quotes ‘cos apparently southerners don’t use the “our” terminology when talking about their siblings, it’s a northern thing apparently….. Anyhow, for as long as I can remember “Our Susan” has had a thing about owning and maintaining children…. any children, doesn’t matter if they belong to her or not, she just loves kids…. Coming from a very close knit mining community this came in very handy for anyone living in the proximity of “Our Susan”, as she would always “look after the little’un while whoever popped off to the shops for a pound of pease pudding and a dozen flat caps”…. Her house was always full of kids, snotty nosed little gits…. each and everyone of ‘em.

So, “Our Susan” knows all the tricks of the trade in keeping a little five year-old girl happy, so after a complete new hair-do and different nail designs “Our Susan” had a new admirer.

Maybe I’ll continue this at a later date as I can see this could go on for some time. The last thing I want is for you to look at this and feel like its “homework”

Monkey Tennis

How bloody dismal eh?

It's Easter Sunday..... blokes all over the country are having a great time with their families while I sit here, on me tod. Not strictly all my own fault of course, Emily is having a great time in Italy with her mother and visiting dubious-not-really-related-family and I'm on-call which means I cant naff off on the bike to someplace more twisty....

Oh well, never mind then. I'll do something pointless, unproductive and time consuming then... That's it I got it! I'll piss off to Monkey World* in Dorset......

So, that's exactly what I did.... I set the Sat-Nav and off I went...

I think this is Amy.... or it might be Ro-ro. I dont mean to be ape-ist, but they all look the same to me

Monkey World is an Ape Rescue Center in the UK..... It was brought to my attention by my Tivo some months back when it decided to record several episodes of a program called "Monkey Business" on the Animal Planet channel. I'm addicted, but confused as Animal Planet show the episodes in no particular order.... very odd indeed.

Is there anyone here?

Wow..... that was a bit of a pause.

It's been yonks since I posted, well, what the feck, it's my blog......

Quick summary....

New Car
New PC
New CD's
New iPod
New lodger

................ old man.

None of the above have anything to do with me Dad's "investment"

I'll probably elaborate at some point.... but it'll probably turn into a rant or two.

I thought I had something really useful to say

He will be missed......

Wonder Stuff drummer dies at 41

Former Wonder Stuff drummer Martin Gilks has died a in a London hospital
following a motorcycle accident.
The band enjoyed success in the early 1990s with hits such as The Size Of
A Cow and Welcome To The Cheap Seats.

After the group split in 1994 Gilks, 41, went into management, working
with rock bands A, Reef and Hundred Reasons.

A spokesperson for his company, Furtive, said: "He was greatly loved by
many and will be sorely missed by all his family and friends."

Gilks also featured in 1980s indie band The Mighty Lemon Drops before he
joined the Wonder Stuff, who were formed in Stourbridge, West Midlands.

After a brief reunion for live shows in 2000, vocalist Miles Hunt revived
the Wonder Stuff name in 2004, but with a different line-up.

Gilks died at St George's Hospital, Tooting, on Monday of internal
injuries following Sunday's accident. He leaves a son and daughter.

A book of condolences has been opened here


"shut up....... grow up....... and get off the f*cking car"

Giggling like a girl.....

and all he said was......

"Porn doesn't whinge"

and I've been giggling about it all day. Thanks for that John, in fact, it's just too good as just a phrase, it needs to be either a song/album title.... or maybe a band name.

Mob logged

I've got/had a moblog account. I've not used it for yonks but I've started to get a lot of "comments" centered around a picture I put on there some time ago.

Very odd

Inertia, I'd call my child all the same

Well bugger me, that was an experience. Sorry to lots of people who thought I'd be updating the Lobster while "on tour" but it was just non stop and I was having far too much fun to bother about all this shite.

I simply cant thank everyone involved in "suspending these stars" enough. I had a ball, I really did. I know its taken about 2 weeks for me to write this, it's just the whole thing was one MASSIVE head feck for me. I've needed a little time, space and interface to get to grips with what I've experienced.

Twas a shame I didn't get to say my goodbye's to everyone in the crew and band, but that's what happens when ya get yaself all excited!

Russ was the star of all this really. He kept an eye on me and kept me in check....(and real ale) along with Matt & James of course!

Bollocks with it, I'm crap at thank-you's...... if you know me, you'll know how much this has meant. If ya don't know me, then your perception of a me as a twat is not 100% true.

The lobster lives....

There's no-one here to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Janice Longer...

Nope the Janice Long thing didnt happen.....

It's along (no pun inteded) story involving pluggers and producers and all that kinda stuff.

Anyhow, it'll be Norwhich Waterfront tomorrow, after we get the heating fixed on the blunder bus