Hip Hip Hurrah!

Things are getting tiresome.

Over the last four days my hip has been playing up.... lots of pain and now something new....swelling, which is making it hard to do the things I like...... for example sitting down. I like sitting down, its one of those unsung pleasures you seldom hear about in the society magazines.... forget Suduko and your giant kites, gimme a comfy chair anyday.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to have a right old pop at my doctor.... actually, I dont have a doctor, I have a choice of various Loco doctors because my "named" doctor (Dr J Mengele) is forever ill or on holiday or experimenting on twins to attend to his sick and dying patients.... I digress... sorry.

Yes, my quack is a total arse. I've been diagnosed with a completely fecked hip, it's a bone on bone fight to the death and the only survivor will be everlasting pain. I know there's a fancy name for it, I've been told a thousand times but somehow the thought of the next 40 or so years racked with pain tends to push my ability to recall some Latin gobbledygook way outta my mind.

The solution is to have a new hip joint hammered into my thigh bone. Sounds interesting, but it will stop the pain (after about 12 months of recuperation that is) and I'll be able to play the piano like never before..

In the mean time, I have to wait until one of three things happen....

• 1) My thigh bone pops outta my hip joint causing massive hematoma and an outcry in the tabloids
• 2) I become old enough to have the operation but too old to remember what legs are for.
• 3) Billy Graham expels the evil spirits that inhabit my body and cause my hip to turn against me, Hallelujah, praise be..... blah blah....sexual deviance..... my office..... 10 mins...... bring some vasiline..... dont tell your mom.

Oh, I nearly forgot, if I overdose on huge amounts of Ibuprofen and Paracetamol remember its not a cry for help, its an attempt to stop the pain.

Dr Mengele has stopped me using Tramadol as he says it can be addictive!!!! Of cause its fecking addictive, it takes the bloody pain away you sackless twat!



I'm off outside to shout at passing cars...