Saturday, September 03, 2005

Arrreeeeeaba....

I'm sweating cobs here!


I've just spent the last 90 mins running around the flat trying to capture an escaped hamster..... Feck knows how she got out, but I did find a hair clip, some chewing gum and a welcome pack from the official MacGyver Fan Club.

Anyhow, some things I learnt about catching an escaped hamster....

  1. Hamsters dont come when you call them.
  2. They dont react to threats and bad language
  3. Wearing a Pith Helmet and desert boots dont help
  4. Hamsters growl and rear up when cornered
  5. No matter how hard you try, you cant get the Benny Hill Theme outta your head


I eventually ended up with a siege situation, Big Vern (the hamster was briefly renamed for the duration) was holed up behind the telly blocked in by a very large storage cabinet and several copies of Motorcycle news..... One way in and only one way out..... It would be a battle of wills.

No doubt Big Vern was tooled up and would be ready for a fight, there was no way he was gonna do bird again and I had to act quickly. First , I needed protection.... Motorcycle helmet and gloves, perfect. Now I needed some kinda weapon. Tear gas wasn’t an option and that vial of Rohypol was useless without a three litre bottle of White Lightning, the off-licence would be shut by now anyway. In the end I opted for half a can of pressurised Air-Duster I had left after a recent PC fix and Toms' towel from the airing cupboard...... I was now set.

As I could not see Big Vern directly I thought about having a phone passed over the magazines to allow us to communicate, as least this way I could talk Vern into coming out and he could ask for a Big Mac and fries and a fast get-away car.

Tem minutes into the siege I heard shots being fired, a woman screamed and Carter ducked behind the Cortina. With the reflexes of a cat Regan lunged toward the open door..... It was then my attention reverted back to my escaped hamster and I'd have to leave The Sweeney which was showing on UKGold for another time.... Shame really, I'd never seen that episode before.

Everything had gone quiet behind the TV, maybe Big Vern had fallen asleep? I decided to check. It was a tense moment, for all I knew Big Vern could be just around the leg of the telly, waiting… I took no chances, with my shaving mirror selotaped to a wooden spoon I slowly edged forward, my heart thumping in my throat.. I felt vulnerable…. I lowered the helmets visor.

I could see Big Vern, his back to my field of vision….. licking himself. Now was my chance, I could take him by surprise. Quickly I reached around and blasted him with the Air-Duster from point blank range. I scored a direct hit, Vern spun round, the shock of the Air-Duster lifting him in the air. It was like a scene from The Matrix. As the adrenalin took hold he lost control of his bowels and took off for the exit. The air was filled with the stench of Thai Chicken as I still hadn’t taken last nights curry down to the bins but it didn’t seem to bother Vern. Blinded by what must be sheer terror he fled into Toms’ perfectly positioned towel…… Vern would soon be back in the big-house, banged up in solitary with loss of privileges and little chance of parole.

Epilog….

As I sat at the table waiting for one of Sam’s exquisite culinary delights I began to explain to Lt Frank Monahan how Jefferies had made a schoolboy error and misjudged the amount of peroxide he injected in Ms Davies’s thorax. Just then some totty half my age walked in and inferred we should hurry if we were to spend the rest of the weekend shacked up in some cheap hotel where she takes it up the garry and squirts like a fire hydrant on a hot summers day.

Everyone laughed and we all agreed I was the best Medical Examiner working for the D.A…… After that we all faded to black.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PT said...

You are a funny, funny man.

PT said...

The 'Cat Furniture' site. Wow. yeah, Awesome! "Under Construction" - it doesn't get better than that!

Anonymous said...

You should write a fuckin book Dave. Goober!!!

Delmonti said...

I've removed that Cat Furniture comment as it was an advert... Some bot wandering around the blogs with the same generic txt

Anonymous said...

Absolutely PMSL!!!!!

Can I get off the floor now?

Anonymous said...

Absolutely PMSL!!!!!

Can I get off the floor now?

Anonymous said...

You and Jez together would make a TOP comedy act!! Jules