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Jotter

Things to do this weekend....

1. Chubby Brown gig at Croydon
2. Photo session at Polesden Lacy
3. Propose new governmental regime after a civil war/coup I'm planning in the UK. I dont want to give the game away just yet as I'm still trying to figure out how to avoid UK Hate Laws especially the "Incitement to cause violence" bit. I feel a Civil War/Coup seldom works without some violence and a well managed leaflet drop
   
4. Clean the bathroom
5. Point and stare at passers-by from my window

It's gonna be a busy one...

The seed has been planted.....

My next big purchase* is gonna be an Apple Mac.

I'm done with Microsoft and Windows XP, it's just too fat and retarded. I spend far too much time, effort and money keeping it all together.....

MS have missed an opportunity with Vista and they are ignoring the home user. An operating system is supposed to help the user not be an obstacle.

It's time to move on.... but which Mac?

Don't want the Mini - its too small (expandability wise)

iMac - Don't need to buy another LCD display, and its not very expandable

Power Mac - It's expandable, I can use my own LCD...but I don't have £4k burning a hole in my pocket

*next big purchase. This is wishful thinking as I'm skint.

Comments

I've been told "It's why we blog". It's a kind of applause I guess.

Just having "hits" to your blog isn't enough really, you like to know that somewhere out there someone is thinking "I'll just take a look and see if there's anything new at whats-his-faces blog". Even better if they take the time to leave a comment (if you missed that, ITS A HINT TO LEAVE ME A COMMENT)

A few days ago I got "tagged" by another blogger. "Dr John" (who purports to be a man of the cloth) has some sort of game where he asks his blog readers to visit a blogger site and leave a message to gain "JC" points that could win you a prize.

Dr John does point out that its only for fun, the prizes certainly corroborate this, a "Saffron Bun" being one of the better prizes (that's what he says!... I dont even know what one is)..... even so, Dr John does have a large congregation and they've taken his advice and visited yours truly.

Admittedly, most of the visitors that have left a message are not interested in anything I have to say and deposit a message just to receive their "JC" points, absolutely nothing wrong with that. The main point is that they left a message, and that message was "you exist"

What I'd like you to do, in return, is visit Dr John and leave him a comment, just mention you've come from this blog.... a round of applause if you like (and no, there arnt any prizes, sorry)

Last second of the minute.....

...thats the time to begin it.

Available to download from most on-line vendors today
(there's a live version on there, with me as special "kit-setter-upper" guest*)









* probably

EDIT: I've just been informed that the "Miles and Dray" picture on the cover could very easily be in next months Viz..... in the column entitled "Up the Arse Corner".

Quote from Wikipedia about Viz... "There's also 'Up The Arse Corner', where photographs are submitted of people whose pose, and/or facial expression, could be misconstrued as being in the midst of an act of buggery."

Looking at it now even the title seems a little suspicious......

.......damn. It's all spoilt now.

What's he for?

No, I have no idea either Maude, its just bollocks isn’t it?. God only knows who the hell he thinks he is with all this dreadful drivel.

I mean, have you looked at some of this stuff? Is it supposed to mean anything? Is it supposed to be deep? trivial? shocking? It’s a load of gob-shite if you ask me.

It’s just post after post after post of whingeing….. He must think he’s the only one with problems. If its all that bad he should go and do something about it, and I don’t mean another ranting post…… at least we’d all be one car length up in traffic tomorrow.

Miserable git that he is. He’s not happy unless he’s bitching about someone or other. What he needs to do is take a long good look in the mirror….. that’s if he can find one big enough.

His first wife left him…… yes……. Had to move away, change her name…… had her eyes sucked out and replaced with hot toffee apples just in case she ever saw his twisted face again. Tragic it was…… made her “fear for her own safety”

Anyhow, I don’t think it can go on for much longer, I heard rumours that he’s not all there if you get my drift. They say personal hygiene is the first sign, once that’s gone there’s no stopping the out of control spiral into deep and dark depression. Couldn’t happen to a better person I say….. I SAID IT COULDN’T HAPPEN TO A BETTER PERSON.

MAUDE!..... do keep up dear.

5 Liverpools, 0 Failure

There's this fella I know..... His name is Philip Bimpson... He's gonna visit all the "Liverpools" the world has to offer in celebration of Liverpool (the original one in England) Cities 800th birthday in 2007.

Phil is many things, doctor, dentist and architect... probably, but recently he's been getting involved in the wider world of "media".... and this is his latest venture.

Good luck Phil, I'll be keeping an eye out for more of your updates.

Picture from the BBC's "The Experiment" where Phil and myself were prisoners for a week

I really have nothing useful to say...

If it looks like I'm doing something else, or I don't answer you when you expect, its probably because the implications of telling you to go take your pointless blabber somewhere else would cause difficulties I'm too lazy to fix.... so.....

As a guide, these are the things I'm simply not interested in...

You
Your boyfriend
Kent
Your new job
Your old job
How you're feeling

It's a broad list, but I think it covers most things you have to say. Basically, cutting out anything that involves you talking about yourself should reduce global greenhouse gasses by at least 20% ..... and possibly your ego by 90%.........


If only you came with a mute button

Professor Plum, in the Kitchen, with the Lead Pipe

Damn I hate my job..... no thats not right, start again..

Damn I hate people..... no, thats too generalist (but only just), another go...

Damn I hate managers...... yes, I think I've got it.... yep, perfect. I can continue.

As you can tell, it's a Monday. It's become a bit of a sideshow, me ranting about something or other, saying something true but taboo and having to buy some over-sensitive workshy fop a latte before the righteous-but-wrong mob have me ASBO'd


So, what got me annoyed this morning? My manager. To say he's an arse is to insult arseholes everywhere.... Most arseholes do a fine job of keeping shite inside (mostly), whereas my boss dilates fully and spews forth a steady stream of infected verbal diarrhea any Shigella Bacterium would be envious of.

So, as you can tell, he has the ability to wind me up at the drop of a hat... and he knows it. Thats why he booked a "one-to-one" meeting with me last week for this morning at 9.30am... making sure my Sunday night was spent "de-venting" and hiding blunt objects.... and then promptly postponing it 2 mins before kick-off..... He did this electronically so as not to face me... and without any apologies or explanation....

Anyone seen a length of pipe? probably has ginger matted hair stuck to one end?

Beta-Bloggers

Hmmmm, I had no idea Blogger had all these new ideas for updating their service. I logged on yesterday and was presented with a screen asking if I wanted to move my blog over to the new structure. At first I thought "knackers to that, it'll screw up everything I've built so far"..... but after getting pissed off at various people I though I'd take the plunge and have my whole day go horribly wrong.

Well, it didn't. I managed to incorporate almost everything I had on the old blog without too much trouble, even my GeoData and map survived.

I have to say the best feature to be added to the new Blog is the ability to add labels to a post. This gives me a change to categorise posts, which makes them a little easier to find later on. I also like the "Feeds" section, this enables you to add a live feed to the side bar which is dynamically updated (I think its dynamically updated, I haven't checked it).... This section will be for privileged sites only, so Mell, Pete and Russ consider your Blogs special... at least to me.

Interlope..... not antelope

Thank feck its a Miles Hunt Solo gig night.

I've reached my limit of having to put up with "people" and need to have my internals straightened. Only two things can do this for me, a Miles Hunt solo gig or "heroic" amounts of Lithium intended for the dangerously bewildered.

Luckily for the dangerously bewildered, the Half Moon in Putney have Milo on stage at 8pm tonight.

Unfortunately I have to stay sober as I'll be driving, not something I like to do at a Miles Putney gig but I've no choice as everyone I hold dear* has decided a Monday night infront of the telly is more appealing..... I cant begin to tell you the bile I'm spewing forth over this right now..... your ears (if you actually had ears) should be glowing white hot right now.

I'd normally plaster this page with references to websites, ticket outlets, venues, promotions...... but why bother? you lot wouldnt look if your entire future happiness depended on it....




*I dont hold anyone of drinking age dear..... except when I need a lift to the Half Moon in Putney to see a Miles Hunt solo gig.. My shallowness is exceeded only by my utter contempt for public transport.

Mr Creosote

It's day 4 in house......

*Fourth day of my "Man Flu"... and its taken a turn for the worse. Worse because I've just lobbed me guts up, it wasn't pretty, and for a moment I thought I was dying... It's surprising what runs through your head when confronted with copious amounts of bile, mucus and half a liter of strawberry whole grain yoghurt.

An hour after that, it was my bowels turn. I think I need a mid-section transplant as I seem to be dissolving from the inside out.

Coughing and sneezing now requires thought and preparation.







*I can only do this 'cos I have moments of clarity, most of the time I feel like death. I ache all over, coughing fills my rib cage with a searing pain I simply cant describe and I've no energy to walk further than the bathroom. Yes, it's proper Man-Flu

messages of sympathy and occasional sex greatfully accepted.

Biohazard!

I'm writing this from my pit... I'm hold up because I've contracted the flu.... straight from the devils own arse it would appear.

Now, I've got a bit of a phobia about having a blocked nose.... When I'm full of snot I can get a little anxious and sleep is out of the question... which just exacerbates the illness.

So, I have to "entertain" myself during the nights until the bunged up phase moves on... thankfully, this time its only been for one night.

But last night was very odd. I was running a temperature and feeling battered and bruised, every movement was painful especially clearing my rancid and heavily infected throat. I dosed myself up on Lemsip and Sudafed and went to bed.

I remember tossing (careful!) and turning and having real ghoulish dreams. Having to change the duvet at one point 'cos I'd perspired it to death........

I'm also On Call...... and the inevitable happened, a call at 4.20am... I've vague recollections of talking, and especially trying to bring myself round to understand what my colleague was saying. It didn't work, I think I just gave up in the end, apologised and put the phone down.... I guess on Monday I'll be hauled over the coals about it...... which may result in me gobbing into the air-con intakes.


Revenge is a yellow and green phlegm ball.

One in a million....

Bill Oddie

Once again I have been stunned by my managers ability and talent. For instance, just the other day I was informed of his somewhat hidden talent of mimicking the calls of wild birds.....

sometimes, in meetings, you'd swear there was a tit in the room with you.

Royston Vasey

I read a book!

Actually I read a lot of books.... well I try to read a lot of books, it just that most of the ones I get my hands on tend to be pointless drivel that have me wishing for temporary blindness (just about anything to do with Stephen King comes to mind)

Anyhow, I was in Tesco's a few weeks ago and came across Roy "Chubby" Brown's autobiography, it had a tenner knocked off so I thought I'd give it a go... especially as he's done a lot of his growing up in the North East.

Now, if you haven't heard of Chubby Brown its probably best that you just move on, he isn't for you, especially if you are southern or female or just so stuck up your own arse you'll complain at anything just so you can hear your own voice..... there are exceptions to this rule, but tend to be few and far between.

Chubbs is a comedian, a northern comedian. He specialises in "blue" comedy and lobs in the odd song along the way..... and this is the reason you probably haven't seen him, he does not do telly but does do a roaring trade in DVD's of his shows.

Anyhow, his book is a damn good read and tracks his life from childhood to the present day. It follows his home life and career and documents his battle with cancer.

So, I read the book in record time and decided to send Chubbs an e-mail telling him how much I enjoyed his book..... and now my e-mail is part of his marketing! How bloody great is that!

I'm off to see him live soon, should be a hoot

Being 6....

There's a ton of stuff that's great about being six.

Six has to be one of the best ages to be, if I could have it all again, I'd like it to start at six.

Love for a start is unconditional, no matter what size shape colour or creed your parents are, you just love them.

Emotions are something to be tried on like dressing up clothes whenever the fancy takes you..... especially in Tesco's

Flying around the dinner table pretending to be a Spitfire/Fire Engine/Ballerina is considered perfectly normal as is pushing your whole head into a bowl of custard.... both of which I have urges to do on a regular basis (not too keen on the ballerina one tho')

Falling asleep in mid conversation.... although I have to confess this is something I still do, especially when confronted on issues like football, fashion or Tivoli

Asking the meaning of swear words, its starts at 6 and continues throughout life.

Finding inventive new ways of not having to wash or clean your teeth

Best of all tho': all problems can be overcome by a hug from mam or dad

My little fruitloop has reminded me how fantastic life can be, if only we could stay 6 forever...

Shut up ya girl

my manager couldnt find his own arse with both hands

Gerry Anderson is innocent

Steve Irwin: Self professed "Crocodile Hunter" died during filming.

I'm no fan of this fella, I just feel for his two children who now have to grow up without a father.

I've got nothing against wildlife conservation, and I too love wildlife documentaries, but there's a breed of presenter out there now that is taking the piss..... and one of them was Mr Irwin.

You didn't have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to work out where his career was heading, it was only a matter of time before Mr Irwin rediscovered the true meaning of "Dangerous" & "Wild" when pissing around with these animals.

Some say Mr Irwin taught us a lot about wild animals...... I don't think he did, I already know that snakes, crocodiles, lions, tigers, spiders.....(basically, anything that lives in water or in the jungle) and now, Stingray are the main reasons some of us developed larger brains and now live in gated communities and drive around in LandRover Discoveries.

Mr Irwin tried his best to sensationalise these animals by performing stunts, he even involved his month old son at one point. He became famous not for his unrivaled knowledge of these dangerous creatures, but for the guy who "just might get eaten live on TV"


.

Pete Moore found in a pool of his own vomit. Thats a lot of vomit, even at the shallow end.

I had a call this morning......

"Hi, thought I'd better let you know that Pete was found drunk and unconscious this morning and was taken to A&E in Liverpool..... I think he'd been to a gig"

Eh? Pete Moore? Drunk? Hospital?.......... Liverpool?........ why tell me?........ which gig?..... who'd he seen?......and what the feck is that smell*?


Oh, I get it, its a dream!...... bollocks, now I'm gonna have to wake up, I'm gonna have to make sense of this, there's no way I can continue with this dream, its just too weird.

It is.... weird. I don't usually remember my dreams, the ones I do remember are usually to do with family or musicians.... and they are nearly always shrouded in oddness and mist. But this morning it was all in HD-Ready-42"-LCD-Plasma vision.

So, Pete, if you could shed some light on why I'm being woken in the early hours of the morning with alarming news like this, then I'd be very thankful.

Picture: Pete Moore just before setting off for Liverpool to see Peters & Lee in concert......in my head.

*smell: sweet tobacco, like a pipe.