today, I will be that ghost.

Wow.... how quiet can a place be? How excited about [another] new day can someone be?

This morning was very different to the last nine. Not once did I have to say "Shhhhh" people are still asleep! or ask what should we have for breakfast today.....

The flat is still the same, but there's a huge void. The TV's not on, there's no trail of coloured paper, wrappers, crisps, colouring pens, socks, the odd shoe or bits of Barbie that I need to navigate.

Today, my big chair is empty. Thats were Em can usually be found first thing,wrapped in her Barbie dressing gown, waiting for me to join her while the pain au choc warms up in the kitchen.

They say ghosts are attracted to kids because of the huge life force they contain.......

today, I will be that ghost.

Very important kettle news

So Emily has outgrown the local park when it comes to cycling, the next step was to find somewhere she can ride without having to deal with traffic. Not a problem, I remember the Lookout in Bracknell has miles and miles of cycleways for her to play on..... only this time I'd have to join her..... on my own bicycle. That of course introduces more problems, things like, can I actually ride a bike with my gammy leg? will the bike still work (it's been at the back of the garage for about 7 years), and how the hell do I transport two bicycles in a Ford Fiesta?

Ok, problem one: Can I still ride a bike with my gammy leg?

Yes, I tested my ability by borrowing the lodgers bike (sorry bicycle, if you know my lodger then you'll also know about his stash of marriage certificates) . Surprising enough it didn't hurt at all, well the riding didn't, but getting my leg over did (oh boy, that last statement rings true in so many other situations). I found that if I almost lay the bike flat I can straddle it then lift it into position... it looks just as stupid as it sounds... but it works.

Problem two: Does my bike still work 7 years on?

Yes. The tires needed pumping up, a little WD40 in a few places and new batteries for the lights and cycle computer and it was set.

Problem three: Fitting two bikes to a Ford Fiesta

Solved by shedding out £50 on a bike rack, which to my surprise actually worked!

S0, Sunday saw Em and me in Swinley Forest attempting to circumnavigate other cyclists, walkers, walkers with buggies, runners, runners with buggies and what looked like the entire contents of Battersea Dogs Home.... also with buggies.

Anyway, we managed to dodge them all but did succumb a few times to the loose gravely surface but escaped with only slight bruises to the ego. The important part was Em loved it all, and through falling off she also gained knowledge of braking and picking out a more stable route.

Like to see some pictures? well you cant cos I forgot my camera, anyhow, it's not pretty seeing me on a bike, especially in shorts (no, not cycling shorts, there are limits.... and probably decency laws).

Instead, here's a picture of my new kettle

I want to ride my bicycle

As you can see, SHE RIDES WITHOUT STABILISERS!!!

But best of all, she did it with her Daddy. Something she wont forget and will carry with her forever, as I will.

Of course she needs a few more hours in the saddle to help with stopping, starting and turning.... but apart from that, she'll be fine!

Is that bone I can smell burning?

Damn my dodgy hip....

I'm at the stage where I'm attempting to help my daughter to ride a bike. She's 6 and very confident..... which is great, but you do need some basics before you take the training wheels off... like the ability to point the bike in a direction that dosent end up in a collision with either people, trees, kerbs or me. The use of "brakes" seems to be an afterthought... usually after she's hit something.

So, I've been out to the park attempting to "help".... but how? I've found it very difficult to just "let her go" or perhaps that should read "let her fall off".... I got her knee protectors, elbow protectors, hand protectors and a cycle helmet, but its still not enough to put my mind at rest. Maybe I should let her wear the gear instead of me..

Eventually my hip decided it was time I should let her go, I'm not built for jogging in any condition let alone 23 degrees of sunshine.... unless being chased by carnivorous wild animals which thankfully are few and far between within the M25 area. Actually, I'm not really built for any kind of outside hard labour, my genes lie with a life of cold underground digging. When I'm exposed to sunshine my skin turns from its natural northern blue-white shade to a very angry and burnt red colour.

Anyhow, Emily did very well, she scared herself a few times as well as a few passing joggers and dog walkers but didn't actually fall off. Best of all she enjoyed it although she didn't quite get to ride without the training wheels.... maybe next week

I had to resort to a heroic dose of combined pain killers and the walking stick came out to play again..... I just hope Em cracks riding the bike sooner rather than later as the smell of burning hip joint isn't pleasant.

Oh well.

Beaten by a 6 year old...

I managed to get a hold of a Nintendo Wii console... along with a copy of Wii Sports, which has already claimed its first victim. Although Chuckie will deny it, playing boxing on Wii Sports put him outa action for at least 2 days with a knackered back.

Anyhow, this weekend I introduced Em to bowling on the Wii, not only did she pick it up really quickly she now holds the record on the console. It's not much fun being hammered by a 6 year old so I quickly changed to a different game, she cant be any good at boxing, I mean, she's six..... and a girl.

She now holds the boxing record too... soon afterwards the console stopped working for some reason (ahem).

One in a million....

Being 6....

There's a ton of stuff that's great about being six.

Six has to be one of the best ages to be, if I could have it all again, I'd like it to start at six.

Love for a start is unconditional, no matter what size shape colour or creed your parents are, you just love them.

Emotions are something to be tried on like dressing up clothes whenever the fancy takes you..... especially in Tesco's

Flying around the dinner table pretending to be a Spitfire/Fire Engine/Ballerina is considered perfectly normal as is pushing your whole head into a bowl of custard.... both of which I have urges to do on a regular basis (not too keen on the ballerina one tho')

Falling asleep in mid conversation.... although I have to confess this is something I still do, especially when confronted on issues like football, fashion or Tivoli

Asking the meaning of swear words, its starts at 6 and continues throughout life.

Finding inventive new ways of not having to wash or clean your teeth

Best of all tho': all problems can be overcome by a hug from mam or dad

My little fruitloop has reminded me how fantastic life can be, if only we could stay 6 forever...

If lots of people do it, it becomes ok... as long as its not you being hurt

I nearly lost me little girl this week and there’s no evidence that she’s gonna be around in the near future. Em’s mother has decided that she wants to move in with her new boyfriend. This would mean moving away from her established “support group”, Emily’s school (where she is doing great), her friends and grand parents including me. Individually, each one of these would be devastating to Em, but put them all together and you end up with a potential disaster. Of course, the new boyfriend refused to even consider moving away from his ex-wife and children (who live in the next street from him and have keys to each others houses) and extended family to be with Em's mom

Emily’s mother isn’t stupid, she insisted she knows my views on this knowing I’d probably fly into a rage at the thought of another man bringing up my daughter as his own while he pops round to the ex wife’s to do a little decorating (you know what I mean, “just popping round the X’s to fill a crack in the bedroom, wont be long”). Em’s mom uses this technique of getting me pissed off to convince herself I’m the baddie and what she decides to do is right…. So this time I didn’t play, I kept calm and just told her the facts…..

Fact 1: He won’t move in with Em’s mom because he doesn’t want to move away from his family. This can also be read thus: You’re not good enough to move away for.

Fact 2: Moving Emily away from her school will interfere with her Schooling and tear her away from friends

Fact 3: Emily’s grand parents will no longer see Emily, neither of them have access to a car, public transport is at least 2 hours away.

Fact 4: Em’s mom doesn’t drive. She will have to stay at home and look after his children/house

Fact 5: Em’s mom doesn’t know what split his marriage therefore has no idea of his track record.

Fact 6: Emily will become a second class citizen in his house… It’s NOT his child, his biological children WILL come first

Fact 7: She is moving away from her support network into an unknown environment

Fact 8: Emily WILL kick back

Of course, I’m only Emily’s Dad, I have no legal say in any of this. I have to sit and watch my little girl drive away with her new Daddy….. and continue to pay for her upbringing and hope I still get to see her occasionally.

I’ve been told Emily’s mom (and Em) are not moving now, they are staying where they are. I don’t believe this for a moment. I know how she works, she will be looking to justify her actions in any way she can.

Next year, there will be a new name on Emily’s Fathers Day card.

Failure...........

My daughter said something to me yesterday that had me fighting back the tears. They weren't tears of hope and joy, they weren't tears of disappointment either, they were tears of failure. A failure on my part to give her the love and stability a little girl needs when growing up...... What she said hurt me more than anything I've felt before.... and the scar it leaves will be the ugliest I'll ever have.

We were in the car, I was taking her back home and she said to me.

"I'm going to miss you Daddy...... not just tonight, but every day......... When I'm old enough to drive I'm going to buy a car and come to see you every day"

She's five years old..... she loves anything pink or with a "Barbie" logo on it, she loves colouring-in, drawing and play make-up, ponies, chips with red sauce and getting up really early in the morning to watch cartoons with me.......

but tonight she's having to think of ways to be with her Daddy....

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Some good has come out of this, I'm now invulnerable to things that would of emotionally tore me to bits... How do I know this? I had a series of phone calls this morning, things were said and done that hit at the very core of my beliefs in love and trust. I waited for the hate and disappointment to well up..... but it didn't come, because its not important anymore..... and never will be.