A Gammy leg and a crap car

People around me know that I hate my latest company car (I know, I'm very lucky to even have a company car, but that's not the point), mostly I hate it 'cos I stupidly decided which car to have purely on economic grounds .... this meant I ended up with a Ford Fiesta 1.4 Ghia Diesel.... and what a mistake that was.

I dunno what the hell has happened to Ford, but this car is nasty. Externally, it looks like two separate cars welded together, there's no way the same designer created the rear and the front of this car. Internally its just as bad, built to a budget (a very very small one at that) and barely functional

I choose the Ghia option as I thought it would add a little comfort to a basic car.... in fact, the £1200 extra for the Ghia version added 4x Ghia badges, rain sensing wipers and a silver gear knob (and no, its not real silver)

I understand that a diesel engine can be a little more noisy, but this thing is deafening..... whenever I drive the car I have a flock of seagulls (the feathered variety and not the 80's pop band) behind me wondering when I'm gonna start ploughing.... It really is that bad.

But it is cheap to run..... it requires no oil or servicing and a tank full of chip fat will last for 400 miles.... so I guess it's done its job so far....

But now I'm getting the chance to change it.... why? cos of my gammy leg! I just happened to mention it to the fleet manager, and he/she said under the current agreement I can change the car to an automatic on medical grounds.... and as there are no affordable automatics in the pool I can go ahead and order a brand new motor (as long as its an auto).

I do know it wont be another FORD and not just because the Fiesta is a bag of arse. The main reason for not wanting another FORD is their Franchise holder Dagenham Motors.... They have to be the rudest people I've had the misfortune to deal with. A truly awful bunch of people to work with.

I'll let ya know what I get...

for no other reason.

Things I have carried home while drunk.

1. The wooden pineapple from the top of a fence (still located in an indoor plant in Highpoint)
2. A 10 inch high letter "H"
3. A nurse belonging to a house mate
4. A front door
5. various car ariels
6. A pair of tramps trousers, bought in London while on a bender
7. Bebe Hudd

this sceptred isle

This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by Nature for herself Against infection and the hand of war, This happy breed of men, this little world, This precious stone set in the silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of less happier lands,-- This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

William Shakespeare, "King Richard II", Act 2 scene 1

Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)

I'd never imagine I would be quoting Shakespeare in this blog. But while putting the finishing touches to the above photo, the words to this famous passage came back to me. 500 years on and I really cant think of two better bed mates than this picture and those words.

Giant Cola Cubes

No Em, no On Call..... no sleep

750 miles round trip......................

to take some sunrise pictures of Bamburgh Castle

....and some very large Cola Cubes

The full show can be found here

Ten Thousand Visitors

I've just noticed I've had over 10,000 visitors to this Blog...... Most of them have wanted me to buy either Viagra, hair restorer or help them share out millions of $'s by using my bank account.... Just how lucky am I!

I'm officially more popular than Small Pox. Marvelous!

Alchemy

Take one jar of premium pickled onions, 200g's of mussels and prawns and an assortment of snacks and mix liberally with copious amounts of Pepsi Max

Retire to a safe distance and brew at body temperature for 10 hours.

Last night, I had to tie the duvet down with tent pegs.

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 3)

Dream 3:

I don't want to go into details about this one. It's more or less me trying to find out why Linda's Family shunned me completely when she left.  It revolves around her creating a diversion to take away the truth about her infidelity.

Analysis:

Is there something more to this 14 years on? Am I so bored with life that my subconscious has decided to pick a fight with me while I sleep

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 2)

Dream 2:

This is an odd one. I'm in Wales (my usual short break destination on the bike) in an unknown pub/hotel. I get the feeling that I'm there to judge a competition, I cant elaborate on the subject cos I've no idea, there's no paraphernalia around me to suggest any kind of competition, I just have this "feeling".... anyhow.

I'm in this Welsh pub, various people sitting around drinking, mostly old fellas wearing cloth caps and plaid suits (?). I then get this overwhelming sensation of responsibility, the kind you get when worrying about ya kids and their future.

I then discover that my cat is with me. In the dream I don't question this, not only would I never take Addie to any public place but she passed away over 6 months ago.

In the dream I worry about getting her back home, even tho she seems perfectly happy in the pub. I then have fractured recollections of her playing with me, jumping on me and snuggling into me like she used to..... But the overall memory was being able to actually feel her in my hands, and that big bushy tail brushing against my face including that tell tail twitch in my nose that reminds me I'm allergic to cat hair.

Conclusion:

Did she come and visit me in my dream? Was she telling me that where ever she is now, she's OK?

Or was it my need to feel useful or wanted invading my subconscious?

My 3 day dream bizarre

Dream 1:

I start off driving, somewhere in the north east... It's a coastal town and I come across a huge steep hill... in fact its so steep I'm unsure if the car will get up it. But it must be OK, cos all the way up the hill and on top there are shops and houses and people milling about. So, I start on up the hill (in the car). I notice to my left there's the usual vista of the North Sea, except its really close.... and its in a bad mood.

As I travel up the hill, I notice that no-one else is the slightest bit concerned that the approaching tide & waves are lapping the bottom of the hill..... and then I notice I'm running out of gears as I traverse up the hill, 4th, then 3rd, then 2nd...... and now 1st gear..... the car is struggling, the waves are getting closer, the hill is getting steeper.

I eventually scramble out of the car, just as I get a hold of the crest of the hill with my bare hands...... someone comes and grabs my arm from the top, but the crest of the hill is crumbling because of the sea spray from the all engulfing waves lapping at my feet.

At this point my subconscious seems to have had its fun and decides its time to change the subject. I'm fully awake.

Analysis:

It's probably the hip thing... The hard struggle ahead I would guess. But do I really need my subconscious to put it so brutally?

The Plan

It's not certain, but I'm fairly sure I'll be getting a new leg soon (when I say leg, I actually mean hip, but effectively, it's a new leg).
I've not seen the quacks yet, but I've had enough, Emily has had enough, work has had enough, and anyone who reads this has probably had enough....
The only person who hasn't had enough is my Rheumatologist who charges £200 a visit to do little more than grimace at me half undressed and who fails to inspire confidence by asking me "which hip is it again?"

I think it's time to book an appointment with Dr Mengele again.

The other reason for wanting the opp now is that I'm the size of a small bungalow (furnished with a large unkempt garden at the rear) with less mobility. You see, as my mobility decreases my lard content increases, and the easiest way I've found for loosing the lard is to walk... (the distance I can walk without inflickting damage is rapidly decreasing, anything over half a mile now has me in agony).

and so to the plan....

I want to climb (walk) up Helm Crag in the Lake District about this time next year.

You see, I figure that if I have my new leg fitted at the end of October this year, I'll probably be fit enough to walk up a steep hill by August/September 2008.

I've chosen Helm Crag mainly because of a certain Mr A Wainwright's Pictorial Guides to the Lake Land Fells. A 7 book series to the fells (hills and bigger hills but not quite mountains) within the Lake District (North West England).

Helm Crag is a little easier than some of the other monsters and has a fantastic view of the valley and Grasmere..... all I need is some basic walking gear and the best part of a day to do it.... and a hotel to stay for the weekend.

I'd like to do all this on a weekend, drive up there, book into a hotel, Saturday morning walk to the summit of Helm Crag and spend the rest of the evening in the hotel bar celebrating with my new hip.... then home at some point Sunday..... after the traditional Sunday Lunch of course.

I'm gonna book a room for myself at the Waterside Hotel in Grasmere for the weekend of 22/23 August 2008.... although they arnt taking bookings for August 2008 as yet.

I know its a long way off (time wise), but if anyone fancies tagging along they are more than welcome.

today, I will be that ghost.

Wow.... how quiet can a place be? How excited about [another] new day can someone be?

This morning was very different to the last nine. Not once did I have to say "Shhhhh" people are still asleep! or ask what should we have for breakfast today.....

The flat is still the same, but there's a huge void. The TV's not on, there's no trail of coloured paper, wrappers, crisps, colouring pens, socks, the odd shoe or bits of Barbie that I need to navigate.

Today, my big chair is empty. Thats were Em can usually be found first thing,wrapped in her Barbie dressing gown, waiting for me to join her while the pain au choc warms up in the kitchen.

They say ghosts are attracted to kids because of the huge life force they contain.......

today, I will be that ghost.

Very important kettle news

So Emily has outgrown the local park when it comes to cycling, the next step was to find somewhere she can ride without having to deal with traffic. Not a problem, I remember the Lookout in Bracknell has miles and miles of cycleways for her to play on..... only this time I'd have to join her..... on my own bicycle. That of course introduces more problems, things like, can I actually ride a bike with my gammy leg? will the bike still work (it's been at the back of the garage for about 7 years), and how the hell do I transport two bicycles in a Ford Fiesta?

Ok, problem one: Can I still ride a bike with my gammy leg?

Yes, I tested my ability by borrowing the lodgers bike (sorry bicycle, if you know my lodger then you'll also know about his stash of marriage certificates) . Surprising enough it didn't hurt at all, well the riding didn't, but getting my leg over did (oh boy, that last statement rings true in so many other situations). I found that if I almost lay the bike flat I can straddle it then lift it into position... it looks just as stupid as it sounds... but it works.

Problem two: Does my bike still work 7 years on?

Yes. The tires needed pumping up, a little WD40 in a few places and new batteries for the lights and cycle computer and it was set.

Problem three: Fitting two bikes to a Ford Fiesta

Solved by shedding out £50 on a bike rack, which to my surprise actually worked!

S0, Sunday saw Em and me in Swinley Forest attempting to circumnavigate other cyclists, walkers, walkers with buggies, runners, runners with buggies and what looked like the entire contents of Battersea Dogs Home.... also with buggies.

Anyway, we managed to dodge them all but did succumb a few times to the loose gravely surface but escaped with only slight bruises to the ego. The important part was Em loved it all, and through falling off she also gained knowledge of braking and picking out a more stable route.

Like to see some pictures? well you cant cos I forgot my camera, anyhow, it's not pretty seeing me on a bike, especially in shorts (no, not cycling shorts, there are limits.... and probably decency laws).

Instead, here's a picture of my new kettle

The Last....

I have nothing of interest to say, I understand thats never stopped me before, but for some reason I feel the urge to post something here........ and I need an alternative to the grinding tedium of enforced labour I'm currently experiencing.

The most interesting thing I have to do today is have the tires on my evil Ford Fiesta balanced.... Not even the Buggles "Living in the plastic age" can bring my outta this tedious mood. Anyhow, to try and get some human response (even if it is virtual) I've concocted a LIST of "The Last.."...

Rules are simple, there arnt any. But if you're the type that needs some sort of structure then this should help.

Copy the list below, add your name at the top, delete any previous responses then post back here so we can all attempt to deduce your bank account details, social security number and whether or not you need professional help.

Here goes....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My Name is Dave,  and I'm a blogger and I'm male

The Last.....
 
person you punched.
Paul Robinson. We were both 11 years old. He was gonna beat me up, so I lamped him one while he was taking his pullover off

haircut, how much was it
£16 with a £4 tip

time you thought you were gonna die
I was about 11 years old. I got hit in the head with a flying bolt that Paul Robinson threw at me. I've still never seen so much claret....... or anytime I fly

holiday
Bike Trip to Wales last month

flowers you sent/received
Sent: 2 or 3 years ago, probably to Bebe. Received: Never

album/single/song you bought (and how, store, download, bribe?)
Buggles: Plastic Age. Downloaded

paid job you had
Drum Tech, The Wonder Stuff Tour 2006

alcoholic drink you had
Bulmers Cider, 2 days ago

bowel movement
Yesterday..... but there's still some questions left, you never know!

Kiss
Romantic: probably 2 years ago.

Stitch (either cosmetic, accident, or self prescribed (like Rambo))
Never! not even the flying bolt resulted in stitches (just butterfly clips)

time you cheated on a loved one
Never, not once.... mostly cos I'm bloody ugly and never get propositioned

lie you told your boss
30 seconds ago. He saw the blogger editor! I simply picked up a pen, threw it down the walkway and said "FETCH". Works everytime

time you felt that initial "I'm in love!" feeling
1000 years ago

pair of shoes you bought
I have a feeling it was about 3 years ago.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Management intervention saves the day

HEADLINES: Impending flood at HAL Weybridge office averted by management intervention.

The Environment Agency issued a "very possible....... probably, you never know" flood alert within the Weybridge/Addlestone area. Businesses within the area should "do something or other" to prevent things getting damp, moist or just plain wet.

In response, HAL management convened an emergency meeting at its Weybridge Offices to decide on what should be done about the flood warnings

The plans revealed by its spokesperson involves several senior managers standing at the banks of the Wey Navigation, pointing and instructing the flood waters to cease its advancement and return to the hills from whence it came.

"Operation King Canute will deliver results that are in-line with our business model and will achieve double-digit flood reduction" said a spokesperson.

When asked why the operation had been named after a legendary 11th century King who failed to turn back the tide the spokesman replied "we think the King had the perfect answer, hence the adoption of the name, he failed [King Canute] because he wasn't an "Officer Of The Company" and therefore didn't have the necessary authority"

The spokesperson then added.

"Expectations for success of Operation King Canute are extremely high but should the Operation fail we will instigate our contingency plan which includes a DSG (designated scapegoat), a large sweeping brush and an already lumpy carpet.

Tiggy.

Tiggy.... it what we called the game of "Tag" up north.... which included variations like "Tiggy on high" which involved jumping from coalhouse roof to coalhouse roof in the street (Billy Elliot dances on his coalhouse roof... which, by the way, was filmed in the town I grew up in)

All of which has little to do with the following..... PT tagged me (a blogger tag that is) and as I wasn't standing on my coalhouse roof I have to accept..... and I didn't have "Skinchies" either

The rules are simple…Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The
rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are
listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their
names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know
that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog

Facts/Habits

1. I have a "system" of washing certain body parts in a certain order in the shower. I should point out that they are all my own body parts and this is no way an admission of guilt. The vegetable patch in the shape of my ex wife is purely coincidental and I had planning permission for the patio months before she left.
2. I shave south of the border. Visits to Scotland tend to be matted and itchy
3. I record episodes of "Last of the Summer Wine"
4. I kiss and thank "Mr Blue Sky" every time I make it back to my garage after a rideout
5. I MUST remove the tea bag BEFORE I add milk
6. I sleep with one leg out of the bed and higher than the other (can be either leg too)
7. I can only eat Weetabix in private
8. While watching TV, I make shapes in the air with my foot.... mostly types of loops and figure 8's.... I may start drawing out these shapes on paper, it could be the start of a new kind of workout.... Quick, someone think of a witty name for it!

According to the rules I'm supposed to tag 8 other people..... I don't know 8 other people with blogs that would play...... So I need to rely on any lurkers out there who read this blog but never comment.....

Remember to link back here, we're all very curious to find out more!

New title

New title, or if I were in marketing, had no soul and the morals of pond life, I'd probably call it "Re-Branding".

But for the grace of God......

Anyhow, I've done it. Gone is the Lobster that served me so well in the early days. No more will "Breakfast" be put on a lead and walked down the street.

Instead I now have what I think should be printed on almost anything that has a value to most people. Be it a new car, that house you've saved all these years for, the new born child, the job and career, and the most important of all documents, the marriage certificate.

All need to have the *Happiness not included stamped somewhere. Just as toy manufactures have the disclaimer "* Batteries not included" stamped on the package to inform the stupid and careless that their latest purchase actually needs electricity to run. I think we need to inform the masses that happiness is seldom listed as part of the ingredients and never in a binding contract.

The content wont change, it'll still be full of half thought out notions, ill conceived rants, self pitty emotive and possibly libelous posts.

So, let me know what you think.

It's nobbly and bobbly.

This is a Nobbly Bobbly. .....

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It's just an ice lolly.

But don't be fooled. It probably contains Nicotine, Heroine and/or Crack Cocaine

See. I had no intention of eating an Ice lolly at 09.15 this morning, but look. The horny little devil seduced me with its nobbly bobbly bits filled with illegal substances... probably.

No....

Emily
Lodger
On Call
Club Rideout
Phone Calls
Post
Debates
Visitors
Family Visits
Emails
Video Games
Whispering
Arguments
Cooked Meals
Coffee
Wet bathroom carpet
Nobbly Bobbly's
Conversations
Clothes
Deliveries
Shouting
Commitments

"What did you do this weekend Dave?"

"Nothing, and it was everything I Imagined it would be"

It's persisting down

I found Belgium! It's at the end of France if you need a point of reference.
So, 1001.5 miles in 3 days. No one fell off or broke down and only one puncture amongst 80 bikes. The IAM should be proud!

I was impressed by the Eurotunnel as there's very little fannying about, ride on, wait 30 minutes then ride off into France. As it was my first time the captain invited me onto the flight deck. He then attempted to chat me up and ask me out on a date, I turned him down of course.

The picture above is of the Eurotunnel flight deck on the British side. On the French end the steering wheel is on the other side and the electrics are dodgy.

The entire trip ended up being extremely wet, it started raining at Junction 11 off the M25 in the UK and didn't stop 'till 10 minutes after I got back.

The most impressive thing about riding on the European mainland is the lack of traffic, no open shops and..... no people! I also noticed that the few locals we did meet could speak fairly good English, which is how it should be of course.

I have a medical condition which prevents me from understanding foreign languages but have since managed to say a few french phrases, mostly gibberish, some offensive and a few made up. As I didn't get thumped or arrested I consider that a success.

I also met a fellow WVAM member called Peter Lee. Which is odd because I used to live in Peterlee but was purged sometime ago. No doubt he's got a very large colon. I didn't get much further with Peter as he hummed of "management" and had a forced ambitious side to him. I've no doubt he's a very nice person and will end up happily married to a beautiful and faithful wife with a big house and own several large screen TV's and a heated swimming pool.

Briefly

Quickly barman, the worlds about to end

• Emily's 7th birthday bowling party was a hoot and everyone enjoyed themselves.


• My sister, niece and nephew weren't nearly as obnoxious as I thought they would of been


• I have no idea where Belgium is


• I have a new hoover


• Everyone at work thinks I'm a c**t, but the voices in my head tell me different.


• I'm riding to Belgium at the weekend


• I ate 8 Nobbly Bobbly's on Sunday


• Bleach can un-stain a stained sink


• My lavatory cant handle large amounts of human waste


• The gene that helps you understand a foriegn language was chemically removed from me at an early age by applying light machine oil to the underarms