Xylophones

"it's a me, Mario"

Super Mario Galaxy on the Nintendo Wii.....

Ok, I'm 40 and feel that an interest in video games maybe something I should keep quiet. It feels like I should be more concerned with appropriate activities a 40 year old would be into... maybe Fly Fishing, smoking a pipe or even violently slapping the wife.


But I never really got over the excitement of playing Combat on the original Atari VCS or the absolute thrill of Williams Defender in the arcades.


As I don't put up with the constant tedium of enforced companionship and its myriad of costly and frequent demands on interior decorating, expensive foreign holidays and soft furnishings I can spend a little of my own money on things I want.......



Just as well I'm an ugly fat bastard then, how obnoxiously annoying would it be if I were also devilishly hansom? Swings and roundabouts.


All this just to tell you Nintendo's long awaited Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii is magnificent. It really is a killer app. No wonder the Wii is still in short supply nearly a year after its launch.


Talking of Fly Fishing and pipe smoking, both of which I'd very much like to try (slapping the wife was never my thing, but what the hell, if she needs a slap gimme a ring), I've also got a want for a monicle. Sir Patrick Moore is officially now the ONLY living man to wear a monicle. If we're not careful, we could loose this ancient and slightly eccentric visual enhancement apparatus forever.

New toys

Lots of new toys to play with over the last week or so.

I got myself a new car... Its a Honda Civic from the 25th century. It has hover motors and can travel back into the future.... There's a woman trapped in the dashboard too, she tells the time and knows where the nearest Mexican restaurant is and wont tell you off if you pick your nose or accidentally reverse into small children.

I'm back at my old desk at work, which I vacated about 2 years ago. Luckily it was never annexed by Peanut Characters as I'd left several of my former personalities there to guard my precious things.

This is Carl, one of my personalities. You should always address Carl with his full name or he becomes ever so translucent...... meet Carl Heinz-Pilchards-in-Tomato-Sauce Claderman

Update....

Still no update available for the Op..... As per usual, the private sector is as useless as the public... I've lost confidence in the doctors and hospital involved. (The Nuffield at Woking, UK)

I've had to call, push and shout just to get information as to what's going on.... and still no reply.

If there's anyone out there who fancies the best part of £20k to fit me a new hip then please get in touch.

On a happier note... Tomorrow will be the last time I have to drive that damn awful Ford Fiesta. I've been told to "leave it in the company car park, someone will eventually collect it". Which I think is code for "park it up on the embankment and leave the handbrake off"

So, tomorrow I'll be attempting to get to grips with the new car... with its automatic transmission. That's gonna be a few weeks of "interesting" driving...

I want to punch people

So what now?

Months, no YEARS of mental negotiations with myself to get to where I was on Friday morning, 2 days before a major operation..... and I'm not gonna mention the pain.

To cope with it I've had to shut down parts of my life so I could muster the positive mental state I needed to be in. I've been through almost every conceivable situation in my mind so I can prepare for recovery on my own......
for example, have you ever thought of what muscles you use when going for a dump? I have, in minute detail.
How about getting to a shower or bath..... or perhaps getting food in from the supermarket..... even coughing has to be pre planned and organised to military precision.... don't even think about socks/shoes.

So, what now?

I have a mental void bigger than any IBM Manager I could mention. Everything in my life had been postponed and now I find myself being pinched from all sides almost immediately.
I'm being asked my opinion on whether or not Em's mom should get married to the fella she's currently arguing with, work expects me to jump straight back into the fray....... all I wanna do is yell F*%K OFF as loud as I can to EVERYONE I can.

Would it be such a great shame if I karked it on the Op Table? Well.... no (it's at this point I should tell you that I'm not looking for sympathy, nor is it a cry for help, this is me being very very pragmatic.... and extremely f*%ked off... So don't go calling the Samaritans or asking if you can have my CD collection as its not gonna happen, I'm not that lucky)

I certainly would prefer to go that way than how-ever-many-years as a cripple and dying an agonising death in a shit stained hovel only to be found 3 weeks later cos the neighbours are complaining of the smell...... again

Going on the Op Table has many benefits, no recovery time, less tax to pay and if radical Muslims have got it right, a hareem of young beautiful virgins at my disposal.... not to mention Em would be the sole beneficiary of a not too shabby payout (thats if her mother dosent piss it up the wall first).


think I'll go shout at passing cars... .maybe wave my cripple stick at them too.

CANCELLED

Well, come Monday I'll not be unzipped like a cheap duffel bag and have my crumbling hip exchanged for a nice new shiny one.... It's been cancelled.

Apparently the gas-man took one look at my EEG and waved the white flag.

And that is that..... My heart is good enough to haul my fat arse around but not good enough for an anesthetic.

Lovely, don't mind me, I'll just carry on in agony for the next 40 years as a cripple.

T minus 3 days and counting.....

I think I'm still having my new hip on Monday, "think"? Hmmmm... I went for a pre-op check up on Tuesday, all seems to be fine except for my irregular heartbeat.

It's so irregular the blood pressure machine refused to register my existence and it had to leave the room in shame.... apparently, "it's never happened to it before".... and "It's probably stress, what with work and everything....."

No-one seems too bothered, especially me, I think I've reached the point where I want it over and done with. And to be honest, it's not actually ME they're concerned about, it's more to do with cheap daytime TV adverts

I also had a lengthy chat with the Physio. She seems to think it'll be a walk in the park (with lengthy spells of screaming) as long as I stick to the exercises.

On a good note she did say I'd be able to resume sexual relations within 3-4 weeks after surgery...... which was very nice of her to offer but I suggested we should start dating first then see how things progress.... I mean, how could I possibly feel secure with someone who seemingly offers sex to everyone post hip replacement?

There's still a question on how I go about certain bodily functions, putting on socks/shoes, dealing with steps, getting in/out of cars, shopping, cooking and generally not ending up a stinking mass of congealed excrement jammed in a corner of the flat for a prolonged period of time.

I can see several positive creative "challenges" coming my way in the next few weeks!

Oh, it looks like I'll be finally getting my new automatic car soon. Delivery is set for the 19th of November..... 2 weeks into my 6 weeks of an enforced driving ban... Lovely. I can sit and watch "The Lodger" wave and drive off in my car.