Lost Patrol (cut scenes, bloopers and director commentary)

Ok, ok..... here's part 2 of "Lost Patrol"

As I sat there day dreaming about sunsets, 3-in-One oil and platform shoes my subconscious decided to leave me to it, for years it had put up with being ignored and insulted.... on the odd occasion it actually got the message through and everything turned out right it would never be thanked. No, all that praise went to Captain Cognitive..

So, off marched my subconscious in full battle attire to reckie the surrounding area. Within minutes subconscious was back, flack jacket ripped, tin hat bent.. it wasn'’t gonna be good.

Next along the line was "Amanda".. I must admit, her name wasn'’t the first thing I noticed, it actually took quite some time before my eyes became accustomed to the scorching aura emanating from her polyester multi-coloured blouse. I'’m no fashion guru, but there's a 1973 Ford Cortina somewhere in London missing its seat covers.

At this point the "“dating"” had begun. You get three minutes to decide whether or not the person sitting opposite has the mental ability and agility to stick the distance in any future relationship...I did feel a little cheated on time as I also had to count things like eyes, legs and other body parts before continuing with any interrogations.

I did stay away from the obvious questions like "“Can you cook…".... "“Can you work a Hoover? and do you take it up the gary when the painters are in?" as I could see from the off no-one had a sense of humour.

To be honest, it all got a bit boring, I didn'’t fancy anyone there. To keep up the interest I played a game of "“match the prosthetic to the person"” as there was a large collection of them sitting in the umbrella stand.

The event finished about 9.30 and we decided to make a quick getaway as we didnÂ't want to get mistaken for caring professionals, all of whom were waiting outside to collect their patients.

I'’m supposed to go onto the Speed Dating website and enter my "choices"”, but I don't have any. The only problem is this.... If you didn'’t like ANYONE at the event, the agency gives you a free ticket to the next one.. I wouldn'’t be able to cope with that.