Fields of Fire....

I know a lot of you out there know of my heinous track record with women. And if you don’t, then all you really need to know is that I'm still banned from owning in any perverse description of the word a "girlfriend" by court order.

It's not 'cos I'm a raving abusive loony but because I'm a complete and utter titwank and let women walk all over me (no high heels please), especially if they let me shag them every now and again.

Anyhow, a friend of mine who also shares the same unfortunate aliment (to a lesser degree) has decided he needs some exposure (the nice kind, not the kind that gets you on the "Sex Offenders” list) to the opposite sex.

The normal thing to do would be to get ourselves off to the nearest town to pull some loose or inebriated hogs (better known as "Pigs in Wigs")….. but this approach is something we cant do. It’s not possible…. We’re both pig ugly with the conversation skills of citrus fruit.

What we need is a caged area where the women are forced to talk to us and cant use the “Feck off or I’ll call the Police” line.

And what do you know, a place like this exists….. It’s called Speed Dating! To be fair, the speed dating agencies don’t market it quite like I just have, but when ya boil it all down I think you’ll find my description fits the bill.

Anyhow, I’ll be taking the whole experience as seriously as I can and have decided to wear an eye patch and exaggerate my already pronounced limp. If all goes well I may end up going to these events every few months, I can then try out a few other “characters” I’m constructing for a future comedy sitcom I’ve been commissioned to create for Channel 4 and the National Rifle Association.

Anyhow, if you live around the Guildford area then don’t be too shocked to see several visibly disturbed women seeking dark corners to cry and shake uncontrollably in.

I’ll let you know how it all goes once my bail has been paid and my lithium levels are returned to normal.