* Happiness not included

Mothballed

2008-11-24T10:28:00.002Z

Hmmm. As you can see from the last post... which was back in September. I really cant be arsed anymore.

Shame really as there's been a ton of stuff I could of blogged about. I guess my therapy here is done.

So long..... and thanks for all the fish.

If I could be arsed.....

2008-09-22T10:16:00.002+01:00

I think I'd like to have the 90's removed from history. I really don't think anything significant actually happened.

The music was awful, comedy was shite, video games lame and "Marathon" bars became "Snickers".

My disappointment runs deep

Oh...there you are!

2008-09-01T11:32:00.007+01:00

Well, well, well....

How naughty of me. Leaving you all here on your own. Well, never mind, I'm back now.

Whats that? My long hair and beard suits me? well, thank you. I think it makes me look more, well...... hairy.

So where was I? oh yes, patronising my dwindling audience and dumbing down the overall experience to the level of Day Time TV.

Now, there's been a lot happening over the last 4 weeks since my last mistake brought me here. From deep penetrative sex to mountain climbing and beyond, it's been a bit of a roller coaster non of which I'm goning into detail about.

apart from the mountain climbing....

So, a year ago, pending my expectant hip operation I decided to climb a large hill in the lake district as a motivator to help me get well again. Well, it finally happened last weekend and nine of us managed to traverse "Helm Crag" in glorious conditions. Theres pictures to prove it too....

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

I must say a massive thank you to the people who turned out to support me. Sharon, Aaron, Pooch, The Brummnies, Pete, Kat and not forgetting Liz who helped sooth my aching buttocks afterwards.

PS: Oh yes, the summit.... well, Helm Crag has a very steep and (to me) suicidal sheer rock called the "Howitser". The ONLY person to reach the very top within our group was Aaron, who turned up wearing his work clothes and a tesco's bag filled with emergency rations of crisps and pop. Later we all agreed he was nothing more than a wippersnapper and had nothing to do with the majority of us being grossly overweight, 15 years his seniour and in need of oxygen.

2008-08-04T14:45:00.003+01:00

It's been awhile....

and there's a ton of stuff I hould of blogged about... but havnt. But here's an easy one to get going with...

I've just had Em staying with me for a week and it's been a blast! From Bocketts farm to a day on the beach at Littlehampton, it's been marvelous!

Here's some pictures

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

I make my boss look stupid.....

2008-07-15T17:27:00.003+01:00

Thats the accusation I'm facing right now.... and I also dont respect my team members..... or something like that.

...and all from an e-mail from the boss.

The thing is I don't disagree, not entirely. I don't have any special powers to make my boss look stupid, just plain old "stating the bleedin' obvious" is more than sufficient to outline his inability to find his own arse with both hands.

and as for "team" members, well. Lets just say the ones I don't respect are the ones who last saw employment selling shoes..... or in more specific cases, counting bricks on a building site.

blah blah lar di dar...... we've heard it all before. I'm not gonna look for a new job, its far too entertaining watching the whole thing tear itself apart. If it comes to it, I'll document the entire HR encounter here, in this corner of reality I like to call home..

Musical accompaniment to this post: Morcambe & Wise, Bring Me Sunshine

Less than a decade to get to the moon...

2008-07-02T14:41:00.004+01:00

I had to see it for myself.... I just had to touch it's alloy/polycarbonate shell before I could even dare to think it was true.

but there it was, shiny and new just out of the showroom. No dear reader, this item isn't mine and to be honest it's nothing special in its own right, its the huge hurdle the purchasee has had to vault to get to this dizzying conclusion of outright ownership.

Yes..... Pooch has finally bought a brand new motorcycle.

In recent years its become a running joke.

Pooch: "I'm test riding a [insert random bike make/model] this weekend"

Me: "Ohh...... gonna chop in that Brough Superior you bought in 1926 for a model with electrics and those new fangled pneumatic tires are you?"

Pooch: "well, you never know....."

Pooch on his old ride: Taken just last week

Ah, but we do know don't we..... in the 8 or so years I've been riding bikes Pooch has NEVER even been close to purchasing a new bike. I think he prefers to borrow them for a few hours then take 'em back to the showroom and informing the bemused salesman that "well, its nice but I don't think I need a bike with more than 3 gears"

Even the prospect of saving money by getting rid of the nice man who walks in front of his bike waving a red flag didn't entice Pooch to a new purchase.

So, when rumours within the bike industry surfaced that Pooch was about to re-ink his quill to sign for a new bike I almost bought an ounce of Old Holburn.

Of course no one would believe him, Pooch had cried wolf too many times (I'm sure there's a pun in there somewhere).

He'd turn up outside the pub on a Triumph or some other monstrosity, some of the really dunk punters would marvel at his "new" ride while the majority would simply turn away and tut to themselves knowing it was nothing more than a test ride machine.

But now......its.... really....... here.

Ok, so he's gone and bought a BMW (he's getting on a bit you know) but at least its cylinders are vertical and there's no attachments for farming equipment. I think it may take a few months before Pooch gets the colour back in his wallet, sorry cheeks and he gets used to 4th gear and a crash helmet not made from leather.

I cant find the compression lever or the spark retardation handle!

2008-06-22T18:53:00.004+01:00

So, the bunch of backsides that I work for have decided that no one will be getting a pay rise this year..... not because people think their products are shameful or their services revolve around spin, lies and excuses...no... its because the shares are HIGH and will probably go down and all the managers are having trouble fueling their 4 and 5 litre 4x4 SUV'S.

It sounds like I'm upset, but I'm not, I've not had a pay rise in 5 years, not even inflation based rise. I'm just amazed at the excuses that are being used. No doubt next year will be "Sorry no pay rises as the company is washing its hair"

as a result of the doubling of fuel prices over here and no pay rise I'll mostly having "Princes Tomato and Sardine Paste" for lunch in a bread buttie. Lovely.

Bikes and Tight bands

2008-06-05T15:01:00.002+01:00

So many things so little time..... before I'm questioned about not doing "proper" work and blogging instead.. but here goes..

Hmmm yes, I have bought myself a new bike.... and yes its the expensive BMW one. Not too expensive as its second hand... sort of. Has 255 miles on the clock and was a BMW Staff bike. I collect it tomorrow.

Also my Dad has had a heart attack.... well, he's had two, one last Wednesday but no-one believed him then another on Friday. My Niece said "he's been rushed into Middlesbrough Hospital"..... I don't know whats going on in the NHS but I'm unable to see how someone can be "rushed" to a hospital that's over 35 miles away..... especially as there's a perfectly good hospital 10 miles down the coast in Hartlepool....

Anyhow, he's sort of OK, he's due out of hospital today as they have de-coked his arteries and told him to cheer up...... or something like that....

Oh, and before someone else says it I will...... The new bike was ordered BEFORE the owld fella was ill.

Anyhow, I thought this tune was kinda appropriate in the circumstance...... ok, perhaps inappropriate, but what the feck I'm going to hell anyway

Dead Miners Boot

2008-05-26T11:55:00.005+01:00

Dead Miners Boot, originally uploaded by Delmonti.

I know I know, another cop out posting. There are things going on, but I just cant be arsed to post them....... Hmmmm.. Ok then, here's a short rundown.

Firstly, I should explain the photo. In my new photographic interests I'm collecting dead (discarded) gloves and shoes, and here's my latest..... Well, it was from a few years back but still counts.

New bike possibility: I've test ridden, of all things, a BMW.... The K1200S to be precise. Nice bike with unique features but not as powerful as the Blackbird and at £13000 it's bloody expensive....

Sorry this was supposed to be short, here goes...

Had to replace the sprockets and chain on the 'bird - £400
Shocks on the 'bird are shagged, Honda want £500+ (not gonna happen)
Bike Insurance is due - £200+
I'm having delusions of living a happy peaceful life with the woman of my dreams - so I've joined a dating site, the lack of interest is quickly returning me to my natural state of mind...... that and extreme self abuse.
I've been out in the countryside walking - thanks to Pooch who can read a map for the best routes that pass pubs with decent ale.

ps: I dont think there was a miner attached and burried under that boot.....

Fiddy cent...... thats 42 too many

2008-05-19T20:13:00.005+01:00

News has come informing me that after all these years my talent as a drummer has finally paid off. I can now hold my head up in the presence of the greats..... I can now be classed as a "professional" musician.

You may remember a while back I "helped" out in a band.... and in the confusion recordings were made and they ended up being digitally minced and lightly sprayed with a mixture of CDIF and Miracle Grow and found their way onto iTunes and other purveyors of lug candy.

Well, it would seem that "our boat has come in" in for form of our first Royalties payment. The band has the dubious task of having to split the sum of...... eight cents.

I say dubious as I'm unsure how to split 4p amongst five people without causing a rift....... now, during the 80's I had an old jam jar full of 1/2P pieces...... I know it wouldn't solve the sum, but we could split fairly and send the remainder off to charity.... if I had a loft I'd check there first.

Dead Shoe at Virginia Waters

2008-05-18T15:58:00.004+01:00

Dead Shoe at Virginia Waters, originally uploaded by Delmonti.

Found this kids shoe impaled on the entrance gates.... no doubt as a warning to other renegade wandering souls as to the fate held in store should they be found again.

It's not all 50 degree lean angles

2008-05-11T08:37:00.002+01:00

Oh.... it's been awhile then.

I think the last 2+ years of blogging was more to do with Tramadol than it was about me. Since kicking the habit I've felt a definitive decline in spewing forth meaningless drivel..... its a small price to pay for a more levelled existence.

The Hip: is now more or less fixed. I was out in the garden playing badminton with Em after doing a 2 mile walk to see the bluebell woods in Hatchlands Park (pictures here)

Last weekend was my first real bike tour since the op. A 4 Day tour of Devon with an average of 200+ miles a day (no straight roads in sight)..... and it was marvelous! (Pictures here)

So I guess this is probably the start of the slowdown with blogging. No doubt there'll be the odd one or two posts, but nothing like the flood from the past...... unless it all goes horribly wrong of course.

Sandals not recommended

2008-04-30T07:54:00.004+01:00

"Doing the shitkickers waltz"

No lights and a "Park" at one end can only result in either a mugging or a shoe full. A perfect venue for Strictly (celebrity) Come Dancing I think.

are you the gatekeeper?

2008-04-25T07:29:00.003+01:00

These gates were found on my daily walk to work, praying to be unlocked?

Ballet & Brownies

2008-04-22T07:38:00.002+01:00

I found this sad and lonely soul struggling to cross the road this morning,,,, still dragging its long dead comrades

Who me? I'm doing fine thanks.

2008-04-14T06:52:00.002+01:00

I was wide awake at 5am this morning. No reason for it, just was.

I'll still be late for work tho'.... I say late, but the only person concerned seems to be me, so I'm not sure that counts.

I have this urge to walk into work, but there's a drawback. It means I have to stay "at work" during lunch, and I sort of need that hour to remove myself from the building..... it's like a cleansing... as this place makes you feel mentally "dirty" and the people suck the very soul from you.

All last week I solved this by driving into work, then at lunch time driving home, having lunch then walking back to work. It worked out quite well, although there's no benefit to the environment as I still pump out gallons (or should that be liters? or tonnes?) of CO2 from driving the car....... but hold on....... that's right....... I couldn't give a flying fat fuck about the made up shit about our next "end of the world" crap.

Do you remember the 70's when the last drop of oil was months away? or perhaps the Acid Rain killing off all of our oxygen giving forests? Still not enough? Don't forget the hole in the ozone layer which will mean radiation poisoning on a global scale. Did I mention Aids? or perhaps Bird Flu, and what about Super TB, and don't even think of eating a cows spine!

Yes, all crap. Believed by gobby women and blokes who want to get into their knickers or make a buck or two from it.

Just for the hell of it I'm gonna leave all the lights on in the flat today and turn on as many devices at work as I can.

I've just read that back...... must be Monday.

Two new tunes that have made me smile....

2008-03-30T10:28:00.002+01:00

and "by the power of Grayskull" do I need it right now.

Here's the first, which is probably more predictable if you know me...

Tankus the Henge's "Smiling makes the day go quicker" (it's their MySpace site, check on the music player for the track... Thank to Mr Hunt for this suggestion)

....and then there's this... Neon Neon "I Lust U" and it's something I should not like..... but I do!

....and only because its funny.

2008-03-27T10:56:00.004Z

Just how many dimensions does this world have? I'm not on about the current theory of the Universe, string mechanics or 'brain dimensions. I'm talking about the state of peoples minds and how we change at different rates in relation to others..... and on occasions chemical imbalances either prescription induced or recreational.

Talking of mad bastards and chemically induced states I'd just like to confirm that at this moment in time I have nothing against Simon. (Simon is a mate from another time (space and interface) that has in the last few weeks become a figment of my reality). In fact, I think he's a bit of a lord. No really, as I sit here soaking up a cocktail of Tramadol and Citalopram with a hint of Miles Hunt's "Note to self" filling the air with it's own "string vibrations" I can only admire Simon's current position within society and contributions made.

So, Simon, stop being a bit of a cock, no-one is taking sides (ok, I might be, or could that be paranoia?).

Come on, get ya finger out (no pun intended) and have some Brother Lee Love. I understand you have difficulty playing the guitar nowadays, although I'd doubt I'd notice any difference, but don't let that encourage me. You could always join in on all the other fine things us middle aged fat and baldy bastards would like to get up to but cant anymore.

After all, some of us will be dead soon.

Love, Light and Happiness (found printed on the arse end of life..... of course)

Massage with Vosene

2008-03-19T08:00:00.002Z

Back to work:

Hmmm. I have to go back to work on Tuesday. Have To. I don't know anymore if its me or work that find those 8 hours so poisonous..... To be honest I do know. It's those people.
This last week I've found thoughts drifting to future confrontations with what can only be described as the cast from Sesame Street.

The often shouted response to my predicament is "find another job then".... and that's when the 25 years of working class pre-programming by the black suited bean counters bootstraps itself deep within my subconscious and I spew out another excuse not to get off my 3 buttocks and go do it....... procrastination? well, not completely, I have grown a beard and bought some Granola..... I may even end up smoking a pipe and start a leaflet campaign

It used to be a pleasure finding a problem. It meant I could do a better job, improve something, maybe even stop a potential catastrophe.... and always with the satisfaction of someone saying "Nice..... well done".

Now, finding a problem will more often than not result in a large lump in the corporate carpet and see the erection of a hanging jib in the car park and a cry from the ivory tower of "Release the dogs!"

The only way to survive this is to play them at their own game....... but I'm just not interested in this sideways move of priorities. I'm an Engineer not a political smoozer. I really don't need to gather evidence and work to their badly worded, contradicting rules just to prove they are awful people without soul, morals or a purpose other than themselves.

Is that admitting defeat? I guess to them it's a total victory, another thorn removed from their collective flanks.

Oh.... bollocks. Who am I kidding, this kinda stuff is gold to me. If it was all sweetness and light you'd be somewhere else reading other unfortunate blogs and I'd be deep in a world of self importance and smug satisfaction...... Hmmmm, yes, I'd much prefer to be sitting here gobbing off about some pointless shite I have no control over.

Rant over. I can feel my tramadol loosing its effect....... I must return to "Under the hammer" on BBC1....

Name that cover art

2008-03-18T09:06:00.008Z

Do you think this image was the inspiration behind that Vinyl cover art?

Ardvreck Castle

Come on Goober, name that Single/Mini LP and band...... actually, if you know me then you already know that there's less than a handful of Bands it could be.... ok, perhaps just two then.... and it doesn't look like something shot in Birmingham....

Narrower than an IBM managers imagination.

Arse.

Horden Pit

2008-03-11T08:43:00.003Z

Two miles south from Easington Colliery in Country Durham is Horden. Just another East Durham pit village. It's still there, in name. Changed beyond recognition... not particularly its layout and environs, but it's people.... and that goes for almost all of the east Durham pit villages.

Sometimes when I think of the people I grew up around, the community and its characters I can hardly believe it's all gone.

"The profit's too small for the black suited boys"

So, I found a documentary on the closure of Horden Pit in the mid 1980's. It gives a fairly good insight into what was lost...... and there was a lot to loose.

It's in 4 parts, the quality isn't too great and will probably only interest the northern contingent of this blog....... Here's the first part, other parts will be links under the video player.

Click here for Part 2

Click here for Part 3

Click here for Part 4

Are your whites as white as mine?

2008-03-07T11:34:00.002Z

It's not the first time I've heard of this report. Apparently my old home town is the "whitest place in England and Wales"**

That's some claim. There were not a lot of different colours going on from what I remember.... The only black faces seen were from shift changes at the pit and "Love Thy Neighbour" on ITV. Since the early 90's and the closure of the pit that statement no longer applies......... and I'm too scared to watch Love They Neighbour just in case.....

So.... no blacks, no Irish, no Polish, no Asians, no Scottish, no Africans, no Welsh, no French, no Germans, no Inuit...... just us white, working class types..... with a fantastic Chinese Take Away.

Has being ethnically un-diverse made me a racist? Well, probably, but not in the context of your definition of a racist. Just because I can do maths and understand statistics and therefore wont go walking about in Hackney after dark dosent mean I'm racist, it simply means my god (at times) is the law of averages.

The long walk to school

** Just out of interest......... are ginger people counted in with the "whites" or "non whites"?

Demos

2008-03-06T08:12:00.003Z

There's a bunch of demo's from the studio sessions I helped out on over here.

Below is some images I managed to grab and stuff into a small video. Identities have been emphasised to help locate perpetrators.

10 years and me....

2008-02-29T08:05:00.002Z

Sitting on ya arse with nothing much to do has always been an incentive for me to become creative. In recent months/years it's been with the still camera, but occasionally, I have been known to fanny about with the camcorder.

Usually this has been around my "brother-from-another-mother" Goober, when he's been either gigging, rehearsing or maybe the odd road trip.

So. I dug out the "Simon Wood shagged this Video" DVD which I compiled in 2003 from a weekend trip to Cambridge in 1998 where we (Goober, Simon, myself and not forgetting Pete Moore) hired a studio for no other reason than to celebrate 10 years since the last time we were actively in a band.

So it's 10 years on. Lots of things have changed. I no longer have to imagine what it must be like to work alongside The Wonder Stuff, nor do I feel the need to ignore Mr Wood..... maybe I need to explain.

Mr Wood and I seldom got on (he's the guitarist.... actually, do any drummers and guitarists get on?), lets just put it down to a personality clash.... He probably had one and I didn't.... or something along those lines. Anyhow, I've not spoken to the fella since August 1998, and I think it's worked out just fine but I'm always open to new experiences and if anyone from "Edd Smash & The Dinosaur Wangs" wanna do a 20th anniversary get together then I guess I'll be up for it....... I even know of a decent rehearsal/studio.

I digress..... I sat down yesterday morning, and played the DVD "Simon Wood Shagged this Video". I was quite surprised how good the "shagged" bits were, even more surprised how funny the The Wonder Stuff piss takes were and just a little impressed with Goobers "Miles Hunt" impressions.

So, here they are, warts and all.

Pete Moore: Rhythm method guitar
Goober: Bass, Vocalist, songwriter and Vehicle delivery operative
Simon Wood: Lead Guitar, antagonist and shagger of videos, accommodation
Dave Dawson: Drums, gobshite, cameraman

2008-02-24T14:37:00.004Z

My first day back in the flat didn't exactly go to plan. It's only now I feel sort of OK to get anywhere near the PC.

There's no mincing words here, this is painful. It's not the hip itself, to my astonishment the constant grinding pain I've had for the last 4 years has gone........ sorry, just reading that, and feeling that has me almost in tears...... pull yourself together man!... its the muscles... and not just the ones in my leg. My entire center region, back, and right leg is murder as I'm compensating for being partially turned inside out. My left thigh with its two large drain holes and foot long incision isn't exactly in party mood either, but that should have calmed down within a few weeks.

So, after getting rather frustrated last night with pain, things being outta reach, other things getting in the way I managed to lob several items around the room before limping very slowly to bed where I spent the next 3 or so hours asleep. Unfortunately, the dreaded night sweats made short work of any sleep and I ended up back in the living room feeling useless, tired and awake again...... but as a better man than me once said.... "and the sun that beats on the window, in the morning, is a doorway"**

Another reason, which I knew was coming but has been conveniently ignored by the medical people (I'm not apportioning blame here, it was all my own doing) is the withdrawal from my one time saviour Tramadol. Having JUST stopped reading some reports of prolonged use of Tramadol and subsequent withdrawal symptoms I think a trip to the Doc is advised sooner rather than later..... Night sweats, joint pain, sleeplessness, depression, mood swings, rapid beard growth and speaking in tongues have been reported.

This all could look like I'm already after another debilitating excuse not to get myself pulled round. Maybe it is, but I'm not clinically qualified to interpret my ID, or even to remember where I saw it last.

So, in good old Dawson fashion I'll retreat to my old reliables who have helped deal with the mental assault courses I've ran in the past...... Mr Hunt, Mr Scobie and Mr Adamson, stage right if you please.

All that..... I'll be fine once I've had a Kebab.

** Stuart Adamson, Big Country, "Seven Waves Away"

Thank you.....

2008-02-20T11:30:00.003Z

Ok, I'm writing this from my hospital bed, morph'ed up to the eye balls 'cos the Physio wanted me to play hopscotch....

No not really, just standing is enough right now.

I'm no longer tethered to a couple of Tesco's carrier bags and tubing draining what seems to be a rainbow of coloured liquids from me. The catheter was hardly noticeable when it was removed, but when they pulled the drains outta my leg I swung for the nurse...... at lest I would of if I wasn’t screaming uncontrollably and biting my way through several sheets and a mattress.

But that’s all over with now, I just have to concentrate on learning to walk again.... The physio is thorough, which matches my determination to get the new hip working again.... but it does take its toll. Just standing takes every bit of strength I have, at the same time I'm trying to block the pain and not think about the prosthetic sheering off (it can happen) and leaving me with shards of bone sticking through my thigh.

I know that’s all sounds rather depressing, but the nurses here a lords and are quite happy putting up with my rather different approach to healthcare...... or anything really.

I have to say a very large thanks to Pooch and John for keeping me entertained and supplied with bits and pieces..... Emily came in yesterday to see me, although you could see she wasn’t too happy seeing me like this, but it made a colossal difference to my mood.. So, thanks to Gary for driving both Sue and my little fruitloop in to see me, very much appreciated.

and a massive thank you to all the people leaving messages on this blog, sending txts and phoning me, sometimes I forget there are genuine people out there who care.

I think I'm ready to zonk out again, physio is back in a few hours to point and laugh......

Oh well never mind then.

Sushi'ed

2008-02-12T08:54:00.000Z

Monday 18th February.

Is fast approaching. This will be the day I get my hip resurfacing done. Hurrah!

Of course I'm not looking forward to.... errrm, well...... a multitude of wild and mostly unpleasant experiences. Of course it's all for the greater good, but it simply wouldn't be ME if I didn't stick the knife in (pun intended) and grind away at the bits medical professionals put in the file marked "This may be a little bit uncomfortable Mr Dawson".

Now, lets get this phrase into context. "This may be a little bit uncomfortable Mr Dawson"

A quick Google for "Uncomfortable" pulls up this definition:

providing or experiencing physical discomfort; "an uncomfortable chair"; "an
uncomfortable day in the hot sun"

Yes, that's it, an uncomfortable chair or a day in the hot sun.. That would be my definition too. Which makes me wonder just what the feck these doctors are sitting on at home and how often they are holidaying in Death Valley.

There's just no mention ANYWHERE of jamming a tube up ya japs eye then inflating a large balloon inside your bladder...... Nor the mental anguish and anticipation of being wide awake when its removed. It's just something I don't equate to sitting on a lumpy sofa. I would imagine the orderly who drew the short straw (pun not intended) would agree.

Another "uncomfortable" situation the doctors would like me to experience is walking the length of the room just HOURS after being filleted, drilled, rivited, welded, knifed, stabbed, stapled, stitched and punched until unconscious. They say it's to get the circulation going again, but I would suggest the blood sodden dressing and the rivulets of claret matted with my leg hair would be evidence enough my circulation is coping fine.

All this while screaming like a girl for my mother is not something I'd ever imagine doing after a day in the Hartlepool Sun.

Anyhow, I'd just like to take this opportunity to let people know that should I kark it on the table all my worldly goods and numerous insurance policies should be used to pay off my debts and the left over be put into trust for Emily....... The rest of the Dawson family can get knotted, I know that sounds ungrateful, ignorant, uncaring and selfish but does reciprocate the general attitude experienced over the last 15 years.

Obviously, that's not gonna happen, so If you are reading this Sis/Bro/Dad then instead of getting all "How very dare you" on me just think on who's got the most healthy kidneys for transplant should you need one.

This could be the very last entry before my Op..... or ever. So, if you're still reading this, and have NEVER commented before then please leave a message... you don't even need to sign up to anything, just leave it as anonymous.

Love light and happiness.

David...

Number one's and Beats Per Minute

2008-02-05T10:13:00.000Z

The BP is down to a level more fitting for an overweight middle aged Caucasian.

I just need to ring the hospital to tell 'em its all under control.... I'll do that later, when I've remembered my designated Nurses name.

The beard is coming along nicely, for a week old beard.

Saturday and Sunday I was involved in recording some of the "tracks" for Scree. And I can report back that it was a hoot. Everything was put down but we need to do more work on fixing some of the bum notes and miss queued bits. Once that's done we need to agree on the mix (those of you who've already been through this can stop laughing now). Having listened to what we have now I have to say its not bad at all.

UPDATE: it would seem that Scree is again NUMBER 1 in the pop charts.... Obviously, not the pop charts anyone would recognise, but some obscure and free internet thing... but hey, someone is clicking those buttons (but why?)

I'd like nothing better than to put a little snippet up here for your perusal, but it's too much of a fart on.

Instead here's some pictures....

The light! it seems so warm and inviting.....

2008-02-01T10:28:00.000Z

Day 5 in the house.

Growing a beard.
New hall carpet
Not enough space to defend myself
Just a quick note to say I'm not a jibbering wreck

Ok, so.... Day 5 of my attempt to reduce my blood pressure so I can finally have this new hip.

Up'till today my BP has dropped dramatically, for some unknown reason this mornings reading was 205/138. If thats correct I'm due for an aneurysm any minute now..... so dont be surprised if this post suddenly trai

Shut up ya girl

2008-01-29T09:59:00.000Z

I know, I know..... look, it'll be worth while, trust me I know doctors, dentists and architects.

Day one in the house (using authentic northern accent).

Ok, I probably need to start at the beginning, remember my knackered hip? the one they were going to fix then decided they hadn't raped my insurance company enough so cancelled it and ran some unnecessarily expensive tests involving a myriad of specialists all eager for a slice of the Xmas bonus cake? Well, I now have a new date for the Op. It's February 18th. Hurrah? Hmmm.

Except I hate February. It's just not my month..... people die, wives run off and I become significantly older. February has no place on this earth, it's simply there to prolong winter and keep evenings dark, and don't let the 28 day thing fool ya, each day has 26 hours in it to make up for the short fall......... Hateful.

So after all the tests it seems my blood pressure is far too high for an operation (195/110 yesterday), so it needs to come down. As there were 5 weeks to the Operation the Doc seemed quite confident it could be done with nothing more than a hand full of potent chemicals.

I guess all was going sort of OK. but then work decided everything was going far too smoothly and lobbed a spanner in the works, the spanner was in the shape of several idiots each attempting to stamp their authority on things they know nothing about...... Under normal circumstances, this could be considered, well, normal circumstances for this company. Unfortunately for me it has the effect of keeping my BP higher than a perfect darts score.

So, as each visit to the Doc revealed my BP was getting higher and not lower it was decided I should not return to work before the Op.......

That means I've had to tell work I cant be involved in their Fantasy Remedy League any longer. Which of course gives them the "Golden Scapegoat" card they'll need when reality kicks in and their mothers call them in for Tea. "It was that fat lad wot done it, not us" wil lbe rining out from boardrooms as I write.

So there you have it. I have to cry off work like a girl so I can eventually walk around like everyone else on the street without looking like I've shat myself.

127/72 pulse 67 at 11am. Something seems to be working!

My Manager does bird impressions, at times you'd swear there was a Tit in the room with you.

2008-01-23T08:56:00.000Z

Without getting into too much detail, I'm shit at my job... Official.

It's no longer good enough to work in three technical teams, cover two Out OF Hour slots and help implement an entire new way of working that will effect every worker, manager, engineer and customer within the department.

What REALLY counts is the ability to hide in dark corners and not get involved in ANY issues........ oh, and not to tell ya boss that he has the managerial expertise of Bert & Ernie and couldn't find his own arse with both hands.

I'm now on a "Redundancy" list. Heavens forbid if there's a world wide recession and they decide to get rid of a percentage of the staff here.

Of course that would only happen if there was some kind of Credit crisis that escalated causing the stock markets to panic creating a free fall in shares with billions of $'s being wiped off the value of major firms worldwide.......

Not much chance of that happening then........

Bert & Ernie, with help from Mr Snuffalufagus are the brains of this outfit

and so it begins....

2008-01-15T10:45:00.000Z

So there I am, Friday evening in Tesco's with my Em doing the weekend shopping when Em turns around and states with glee....

"Daddy, Mammy's getting married in September......"

"Errrm, Oh thats fantastic news....... pass me a tin of those mushy peas....... second shelf down, not the bashed one, one from the back, thanks"

My immediate response was not to rain on Em's parade. If Sue is getting married then I assume Em would be one of several bridesmaids and just how exciting could that be for a little girl!

Of course while I'm saying "Oh, thats fantastic" I've already processed several hundred possible scenarios as to how bad this could be for Em and me...... I finally stick with the one most probably (in my mind anyhow).... and it goes something like this...

They marry, move away. Em has to change school, new friends, turmoil, upheaval, resentment. He gets custody of his kid who will now live with them and Emily becomes the second class citizen that causes trouble while his kid can do no wrong and I end up doing time for GBH.

By the time I've placed the mushy peas in the basket things have changed, I know what it's like to be around Sue for an extended period..... all I can do is chuckle to myself. Oh boy, I feel as if I should be making myself comfy with a big bucket of popcorn in anticipation of the events that will undoubtedly unfold.

Ok, enough of that. It's never as bad as it seems at first, and the fact is.... it's not bad at all.

Sue has no plans of moving away just yet, maybe that'll change when her husband decides what is best for his new family, who knows. All I can do is make sure Em has a fantastic time at the wedding and a clear and uninterrupted line of communication to me whenever she needs it.

I did have a long discussion with Sue on this very subject. She's confident that nothing will change, and I'm fairly confident she believes that. I just wish Em didn't have to be involved in the things that will come.

".....recording new tracks for the EP"

2008-01-08T10:28:00.000Z

Can you get your people to talk to my people darling? I shall be "in session" recording the new EP, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmmmmmm.

So, it's all set. Finally we get to etch our acoustic vibrations onto the waxy cylinder Thomas Eddison raved about in 1066 just before he fell on an arrow. Please, not all at once!....... you'll get a chance to listen or even BUY this EP at some point as we know a clever man who can transfer an Eddison Cylinder into 0's and 1's and make it appear on a tellyputer in EmpeeIII

This isn't the first time I've had the pleasure of being directly involved in producing some form of music, in 1999 and 2000 I funded, arranged, directed, shouted, shoved, fed and watered Goober to produce a couple of "cottage industry" CD's that actually made enough lolly to.... well.... buy a few lollies actually. My Mate Pete was also in attendance and provided light entertainment and an assortment of sandwiches all washed down with lashing of ginger beer. Hurrah!

In fact, below is a vid I did from the "footage" I took while in the studio recording some "Goober". The track is "Brother" by Goober, inspired by a Friday night out in Easington Colliery and how some people change over time while others remain in a teenagers mind set..... or it could be about the demise of light engineering in the late 19th century.

The dancing fool in the Sunderland away shirt, small nose - me

Baldy bloke. big nose - Goober

Baldy skinny bloke, big nose - Keith

Baldy bloke with glasses, normal nose - My Mate Pete

Full head of hair bloke, big nose - Simon

Man on the flight deck, big nose - Jez

Baldy bloke on Goobers T-shirt with normal nose - Miles Hunt

Ted Rogers - himself

it didnt look like this....

2008-01-03T12:49:00.000Z

Norovirus.

This is the little bastard that had me lobbing my guts up on New Years Eve and all New Years day. It's better known as the "Winter vomiting disease".... apparently affects over a million people in the Uk every year.

Some professor dragged up by the BBC suggests that suffers should drink plenty of fluids and stay away from work for 48 hours.

Personally, having gone through this my suggestion would be this......

......have a bathroom very close to your proxcimity and in a configuration which would allow the wash hand bason and toilet pan to be no more and 2 feet apart.

......when you do return to work ensure you make the coffee and tea for all your fellow management types.

Oh... nearly forgot, dont even think about passing wind for at least 3 days, it will catch me you out.

2007

2007-12-30T11:08:00.000Z

So hows it been then? On the face of it it's been pretty damn good, but then again it doesn't take much to spoil things.

At least the people I consider worthy to breathe the air on this planet are more or less still here and to my knowledge, fairly happy..... I know that sounds a little downbeat but you didn't come here thinking I was gonna be all "Commercial Radio DJ" did you?

So here's a rundown of my personal hits and the shits of 2007

I became a "home owner" - Hit
I lost my AddieCat - Shit
Hip infection and the biggest needle jammed into my groin to remove "fluid" - Shit
A weekend in a private hospital - Hit
My name on a Wonder Stuff CD - Hit
Teaching my little fruitloop how to ride a bike - Massive Hit!
Arson attack on the flats where I live - Shit
My first bike tour on the European continent (and driving on the wrong side of the road) - Hit
A new car - Hit
A final date for my hip resurfacing - Hit
Canceling my Op 2 days before its due - Shit
Being mentioned in a Miles Hunt song intro - Hit

So, what will 2008 bring? well, there's a new hip to think about, but I'm not holding my breath. Work stuff comes to a head in January as the ongoing Remedy project goes live in the first few weeks of 2008, but without its champion at the helm it's doomed to early retirement as the Luddites who rule the asylum shout it down...... nothing changed there then.

As this is a blog, I'd like to thank all those visitors who regularly come back for more of my gobshite. There'll be even more during 2008 so keep coming back.

Love, light, and happiness for 2008 and beyond.

Xmas Number 1

2007-12-24T10:57:00.000Z

Can you see that? That band I help out with are at No 1 in the Rock charts.... It's officially a Christmas Number 1 for Scree!

Now, this is where you have to listen to me...... please do not go to that site and listen to ANY of the stuff up there...... It's bloody awful. I'm not saying that in some kind of "playing it down for effect" response..... it really is nasty. By all means click on the play button to rack up another hit, but for the love of life dont actually listen to any of it.

It's a shame really, cos I love fannying about in Scree... I just hate these "session" recordings.

Oh well, never mind then.

Positive Thinking

2007-12-12T10:35:00.000Z

Christmas.

As a kid, Xmas was THE most important time, and looking back through all the Xmas's I've experienced those early years were magical.

Parents that lived together, 3 siblings all with the same mother/father and all fairly happy being there......... Who'd of thought those things would become a coverted item?

I don't really think I ever believed in Santa when young. Even as a kid I'd insist on hard evidence when talk revolved around Santa, his elf helpers or even the tooth fairy...... a passport, utility bill from the last 3 months or perhaps an elf/fairy body from a recent accident would have helped.

I also remember how fantastic TV was back then, OK, maybe the tinted specs have affected my judgment but no-one can deny the thrill and anticipation of the Morcambe and Wise Christmas Shows in the 70's.
It's a very British thing, Americans have Apple Pie, but we have the Morcambe and Wise shows, watched by over half the entire population of Great Britain their show defined how good Xmas would be.

It's never been the same since.

Anyhow, here's a clip that you don't see much these days, it's a corker and really does make you smile.

it was... honest.

2007-12-11T10:48:00.000Z

I knew he was someone I'd seen on the telly, but I just couldn't put my finger on who it was. The way he called all the staff by their first names and the confidence in his voice he was either "theatrical" or a twat........ he was far too well dressed to be the usual twat you'd find in a doctors waiting room. but for the life of me I couldn't place his mug.

That was almost 3 weeks ago.
It's taken that long for my subconscious to re-assemble the facts and spring the answer.
It was...... Edward Woodward.

He now resides in my growing list of celebrities I've had the chance to talk to but didn't.

These include:

Janice Long - while interviewing Miles Hunt
Vic Reeves - at a Wonder Stuff Gig
Ken Dod - at a dog show
Bobby Thompson - another dog show
Angus Deayton - bus stop in London
Lionel Blair - Waitrose car park in West Byfleet
Des Lynam - shouted obscenities at me from a moving car
Dermot Morgan (Father Ted) - told me to "Feck Off" at the Turks Head in Twickenham
Pete Waterman - I told him to "feck off" - Green room for the Gloria Hunniford Show

2007-12-10T10:33:00.001Z

Arse....

I really cant think of anything to write about. Several ideas have been started then erased. Maybe I need another cap of Tramadol?

Some of the subjects that have been erased from this very space in the last 30 mins.

1. Xmas day Lunch and why I'm not having one
2. As an amateur misogynist, what I miss the most?
3. The tranquility of not having a family to argue, shout at, and lie to during Xmas
4. My 10 year old bottle of Port
5. My new batch of Chilli
6. Nurses dont understand a mans chest hair
7. Is my Xmas tree really that bad?

Pauleeeeeen....

2007-12-04T07:43:00.001Z

Its not every day someone bangs on ya front door and suggests you gather up what family you have and run like buggery as the block of flats you're in is being devoured by flames.......

But that's what happened last night..... And its surprising what you learn from your neighbours while watching the fire brigade breathing apparatus at the ready storm into the building.

I should point out that no one has been hurt and were all back in our flats (this statement could change as the days progress, mainly because I'm not very good when it comes to being a nosey git)

First off, a big big thanks to the fella living directly above me, he was the one who initially raised the alarm, attempted to put out the fire and made sure everyone was out. Bit of a hero really, although I did hear the Fire Commander (oh hell yes, not Fire Chief any more, COMMANDER) telling him off for having a go at the fire himself..... and yes, you've guessed it, the Fire COMMANDER was the one who stayed outside, well away from any naked flames while this was going on.... a case of Pot, Kettle, un-accompanied chip pan and black methinks.

The flat where the fire started (up stairs and about 3 doors along from me) has a bit of a history. Apparently during the summer it was being used by a couple of thieving gypos/pykies who were causing all kinds of problems for just about all the people upstairs.... all of this was unknown to me until last night BTW and is more or less just hearsay, but I'll share anyhow.

There had been various incidents and they we're eventually removed about 3 weeks go and the flat has been empty (empty of scum anyhow) since

The fella upstairs (I don't do names, there's too many of them and unless I've shagged them, borrowed money from them or are just around for so long it becomes embarrassing not to remember their names then I just cant be arsed) heard a noise, a beeping and went to investigate, this was about 18:15, he could smell smoke then noticed plumes of the stuff coming from the wide open door of flat 9. He stuck his head around the corner and in his words "looked like something I could have a go at" and went to get a fire extinguisher!

Unfortunately, when he returned (seconds in his account) the flat was well alight with thick noxious black smoke quickly filling the hall way. That's when he went into action and got everyone out.

Its odd what people do when confronted with something like this, my first thought was to put my coat on cos no matter how hot the fire was it would be freezing standing outside in my civvies.

As soon as I was outside the fire brigade were pulling up and before long we had 3 engines on site with an ambulance and cop cars. Fella from upstairs was treated for smoke inhalation, which was kinda ironic as he was sucking on a ciggy just a few moments before (he was OK BTW). And I watched as a reluctant Fireman had to "Firemans Lift" some woman from upstairs who had decided she would "wait it out"..... until several fireman threatened to Pole Axe her front door and drag her out .

After about 90 mins we were all allowed back in, there's no water or smoke damage to my flat but there's a nasty smell in the hallway (nothing to do with me this time). I've not spoken to any of the neighbours as yet, but it looks like there's a ton of smoke damage upstairs

Oh, and the consensus is that the gypos/pykies came back and torched the flat. Lovely. Anyone wanna buy a flat in an "exciting" part of town?

Mickey Love: wants to be a fireman and is in love with Pauleeeeeen

NEC Bike Show 2007

2007-12-02T16:09:00.000Z

Xylophones

2007-11-22T10:53:00.000Z

"it's a me, Mario"

Super Mario Galaxy on the Nintendo Wii.....

Ok, I'm 40 and feel that an interest in video games maybe something I should keep quiet. It feels like I should be more concerned with appropriate activities a 40 year old would be into... maybe Fly Fishing, smoking a pipe or even violently slapping the wife.

But I never really got over the excitement of playing Combat on the original Atari VCS or the absolute thrill of Williams Defender in the arcades.

As I don't put up with the constant tedium of enforced companionship and its myriad of costly and frequent demands on interior decorating, expensive foreign holidays and soft furnishings I can spend a little of my own money on things I want.......

Just as well I'm an ugly fat bastard then, how obnoxiously annoying would it be if I were also devilishly hansom? Swings and roundabouts.

All this just to tell you Nintendo's long awaited Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii is magnificent. It really is a killer app. No wonder the Wii is still in short supply nearly a year after its launch.

Talking of Fly Fishing and pipe smoking, both of which I'd very much like to try (slapping the wife was never my thing, but what the hell, if she needs a slap gimme a ring), I've also got a want for a monicle. Sir Patrick Moore is officially now the ONLY living man to wear a monicle. If we're not careful, we could loose this ancient and slightly eccentric visual enhancement apparatus forever.

New toys

2007-11-20T10:26:00.000Z

Lots of new toys to play with over the last week or so.

I got myself a new car... Its a Honda Civic from the 25th century. It has hover motors and can travel back into the future.... There's a woman trapped in the dashboard too, she tells the time and knows where the nearest Mexican restaurant is and wont tell you off if you pick your nose or accidentally reverse into small children.

I'm back at my old desk at work, which I vacated about 2 years ago. Luckily it was never annexed by Peanut Characters as I'd left several of my former personalities there to guard my precious things.

This is Carl, one of my personalities. You should always address Carl with his full name or he becomes ever so translucent...... meet Carl Heinz-Pilchards-in-Tomato-Sauce Claderman

Update....

2007-11-14T11:20:00.000Z

Still no update available for the Op..... As per usual, the private sector is as useless as the public... I've lost confidence in the doctors and hospital involved. (The Nuffield at Woking, UK)

I've had to call, push and shout just to get information as to what's going on.... and still no reply.

If there's anyone out there who fancies the best part of £20k to fit me a new hip then please get in touch.

On a happier note... Tomorrow will be the last time I have to drive that damn awful Ford Fiesta. I've been told to "leave it in the company car park, someone will eventually collect it". Which I think is code for "park it up on the embankment and leave the handbrake off"

So, tomorrow I'll be attempting to get to grips with the new car... with its automatic transmission. That's gonna be a few weeks of "interesting" driving...

I want to punch people

2007-11-05T10:43:00.000Z

So what now?

Months, no YEARS of mental negotiations with myself to get to where I was on Friday morning, 2 days before a major operation..... and I'm not gonna mention the pain.

To cope with it I've had to shut down parts of my life so I could muster the positive mental state I needed to be in. I've been through almost every conceivable situation in my mind so I can prepare for recovery on my own......
for example, have you ever thought of what muscles you use when going for a dump? I have, in minute detail.
How about getting to a shower or bath..... or perhaps getting food in from the supermarket..... even coughing has to be pre planned and organised to military precision.... don't even think about socks/shoes.

So, what now?

I have a mental void bigger than any IBM Manager I could mention. Everything in my life had been postponed and now I find myself being pinched from all sides almost immediately.
I'm being asked my opinion on whether or not Em's mom should get married to the fella she's currently arguing with, work expects me to jump straight back into the fray....... all I wanna do is yell F*%K OFF as loud as I can to EVERYONE I can.

Would it be such a great shame if I karked it on the Op Table? Well.... no (it's at this point I should tell you that I'm not looking for sympathy, nor is it a cry for help, this is me being very very pragmatic.... and extremely f*%ked off... So don't go calling the Samaritans or asking if you can have my CD collection as its not gonna happen, I'm not that lucky)

I certainly would prefer to go that way than how-ever-many-years as a cripple and dying an agonising death in a shit stained hovel only to be found 3 weeks later cos the neighbours are complaining of the smell...... again

Going on the Op Table has many benefits, no recovery time, less tax to pay and if radical Muslims have got it right, a hareem of young beautiful virgins at my disposal.... not to mention Em would be the sole beneficiary of a not too shabby payout (thats if her mother dosent piss it up the wall first).

think I'll go shout at passing cars... .maybe wave my cripple stick at them too.

CANCELLED

2007-11-02T13:22:00.000Z

Well, come Monday I'll not be unzipped like a cheap duffel bag and have my crumbling hip exchanged for a nice new shiny one.... It's been cancelled.

Apparently the gas-man took one look at my EEG and waved the white flag.

And that is that..... My heart is good enough to haul my fat arse around but not good enough for an anesthetic.

Lovely, don't mind me, I'll just carry on in agony for the next 40 years as a cripple.

T minus 3 days and counting.....

2007-11-01T09:57:00.000Z

I think I'm still having my new hip on Monday, "think"? Hmmmm... I went for a pre-op check up on Tuesday, all seems to be fine except for my irregular heartbeat.

It's so irregular the blood pressure machine refused to register my existence and it had to leave the room in shame.... apparently, "it's never happened to it before".... and "It's probably stress, what with work and everything....."

No-one seems too bothered, especially me, I think I've reached the point where I want it over and done with. And to be honest, it's not actually ME they're concerned about, it's more to do with cheap daytime TV adverts

I also had a lengthy chat with the Physio. She seems to think it'll be a walk in the park (with lengthy spells of screaming) as long as I stick to the exercises.

On a good note she did say I'd be able to resume sexual relations within 3-4 weeks after surgery...... which was very nice of her to offer but I suggested we should start dating first then see how things progress.... I mean, how could I possibly feel secure with someone who seemingly offers sex to everyone post hip replacement?

There's still a question on how I go about certain bodily functions, putting on socks/shoes, dealing with steps, getting in/out of cars, shopping, cooking and generally not ending up a stinking mass of congealed excrement jammed in a corner of the flat for a prolonged period of time.

I can see several positive creative "challenges" coming my way in the next few weeks!

Oh, it looks like I'll be finally getting my new automatic car soon. Delivery is set for the 19th of November..... 2 weeks into my 6 weeks of an enforced driving ban... Lovely. I can sit and watch "The Lodger" wave and drive off in my car.

Suspended by Stars

2007-10-26T10:18:00.000+01:00

Last year I was given the golden opportunity of being the Drum Tech for The Wonder Stuff's 2006 Tour in the UK. That 3 week trip brought more emotion, experience and insite into how my favorite band puts things together than I could of imagined. From the camaraderie of everyone involved to the sheer professionalism I witnessed...... It was simply magical

I can only assume that to the rest of the seasoned crew and band I must of looked like a rabbit caught in headlights..... and for good reason, it's not often you get to work with pure genius.

Anyhow, I took an awful lot of photos, some of which had found there way onto the cover of the new Live double album soon to be released.

Just how honored and chuffed am I?

very chuffed indeed!

Check out the thanks section in the scan from the inside cover above

The Plan (walking up a hill in the Lake District) Part 2

2007-10-23T10:13:00.001+01:00

Do you remember my PLAN on walking up a hill in the Lake District?

Well, I've had to change the hotel as the original one is fully booked..... but at least I'm booked in! (to the new hotel)

The new gaff can be found here. It's called the Red Lion and is situated right in the middle of Grasmere.

Just to remind people, I'm doing this walk to celebrate my new hip...... and to help me focus on getting it "bedded in"

If anyone is still up for this walk to the top of Helm Crag in The Lake District, Grasmere

on the weekend of August 22-24 2008

the plan is to arrive Friday, walk the hill Saturday morning, get drunk Saturday evening, leave Sunday afternoon after a massive Sunday Lunch.

then feel free to come along. There's no need to book a hotel if ya don't want to, I'm doing it cos I'll need a place to oil the knackered old bones once I've done it.

'alright Dave?

2007-10-17T10:13:00.000+01:00

OK, lets get this out the way....

For some strange reason there's a new digital TV channel calling itself Dave. For the most part, that's what people call me (to my face)... it is my name after all.

This has caused at least two people to smile, point at the TV and say "hehe Dave...... that's your name that is".

and that's as far as my interest in this goes really..... although, I'd like to know the marketing reasons for giving a cable TV station a blokes name

More experiments

2007-10-16T10:23:00.001+01:00

OK, this shows the brief "meeting" between the guards (who had lost control at this point) and the prisoners to decide if we should end it all and go home or continue being on the telly..... all hidden to make it look like we were continuing the "social study".

The ring leaders "Edwards and Petkin" (prisoners) had been a pain in the arse, childish and arrogant. It was more of a playground than a social experiment

I should point out that there is a little bad language (maybe I should of explained that earlier, Opps, sorry).

A trip throught your brains, ride the scarlet train...

2007-10-15T14:54:00.000+01:00

My hip will be having one last shindig later this month and you're all invited.

Miles Hunt will be playing Guildford's Boiler Room on Thursday 25th October (7pm kickoff)

So, I'f you're up for it and would like to be entertained (either by Milo or by the pain I'm in) then simply get ya Tickets from these chancers..

PS: there's a pint for the first to complete the lyric in the title of this post. And another pint for the title of the song*

*you have to goto the gig to claim your free pint(s)

Ok, enought of the hip thing, we get it....

2007-10-13T12:05:00.000+01:00

I dug out the DVD of me on the telly, and with nothing better to do decided to slice out a bit and put it here...

This was 6 years ago, I'm now much prettier to look at and have a bright green racing car.

and here's the title sequence from the show....

Countdown has started

2007-10-10T15:59:00.000+01:00

a new shiney hip will be spliced into place on

Monday 5th November 2007

My hip which looks, well, kinda like this...

will then be "shaped" using this.....

and will eventually look something like this....

bugger..... it all looks rather.... painful.

New leg on the cards!

2007-10-05T10:45:00.000+01:00

Folks, it's getting closer.... I can almost smell that tell tail copper tang that gives away the spillage of claret.

Yesterday I had a consultation with the head chopper cropper in Hip replacement surgery. Top bloke if a little self assured about his chosen profession.

There's no getting away from it, surgeons are not normal people.

Most people who show an overly keen interest in slicing into unconscious humans usually end up being dramatized in an ITV Tuesday night special and having to answer to 21 stone "Maureen" in the men's showers at the Big House

Fortunately for me, this fella decided to get some medical qualifications and keep the crossed-out stick men on the bonnet of his car to a minimum.

So, the plan is for me to have a Birmingham Hip Replacement, also known as Hip Resurfacing sometime in November of this year. (Birmingham eh! Seems that a lot of troubles in my life have been solved by things from Birmingham..... you know who you are!)

I'm still waiting on the insurance company's approval....... (long pause)

BASTARDS!

Sorry..... I have a mental image of some Standard Life rep bent over my policy attempting to find the medieval small print that denies a payout due to whistling on Tuesdays.

No.... I'm sure it'll be fine.

So, there's a lot of compromises I've gotta except if this all goes ahead.... I'm not too worried about the Op or the pain, its the after care and not being able to drive to pick up Em that's gonna be the killer.

4-8 weeks off work and not being able to do normal things...... hmmm.

Still, the outlook is fairly good, by Feb '08 I could be completely fixed!

A tip of the hat

2007-10-02T09:57:00.000+01:00

I've spotted the name Ronnie Hazlehurst many many times on the credits of so many classic British TV shows, but never really gave him the credit for the amazing work he helped create. Sadly Ronnie passed away yesterday at the age of 79

So, rest in peace there fella, and thanks for those wonderful, wonderful tunes you pulled from the ether (he never mentioned anything about a number 9 bus from Stourbridge btw).

and boy, did he leave a legacy, his family should be very very proud

Here's just some of the theme tunes credited to Ronnie

Some Mothers Do Have 'Em (the piccolo spells out the title of the show in Morse
Code!)
Last Of The Summer Wine
Yes Minister
No Place Like Home
The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin
Sorry

I'm mmmeeeelllltinggggggg...

2007-09-26T10:20:00.000+01:00

Yes, it's official..... Just like the Wicked Witch of the West I too am melting.

It was confirmed by my recent visit to the rheumatologist who agreed that "whatever" caused my hip to dissolve is now chewing its way through my left knee, hence the pain keeping me awake during the night.

He did give me the medical name for it, I cant remember it of course..... in layman's terms its some lining in or around the knee joint that's inflamed (they don't know why its inflamed) which causes the intense pain.....

I have my own theory..... As I'm not involved in a relationship my body is missing the intense emotional pain caused by the constant tedium of enforced companionship and so has turned against my left hip and knee and is slowly dissolving them from the inside out.

So, as the rheumatologist has more or less washed his hands of me I'll be back to see the knife-man. No doubt he'll complain about my collection of fat but at least its a painful limp in the right direction.

So, to lighten the mood can you think of ANY other characters from TV/Movies or books that have melted?

Here's some to get you started....

Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard Of Oz)
Me

A Gammy leg and a crap car

2007-09-24T15:09:00.000+01:00

People around me know that I hate my latest company car (I know, I'm very lucky to even have a company car, but that's not the point), mostly I hate it 'cos I stupidly decided which car to have purely on economic grounds .... this meant I ended up with a Ford Fiesta 1.4 Ghia Diesel.... and what a mistake that was.

I dunno what the hell has happened to Ford, but this car is nasty. Externally, it looks like two separate cars welded together, there's no way the same designer created the rear and the front of this car. Internally its just as bad, built to a budget (a very very small one at that) and barely functional

I choose the Ghia option as I thought it would add a little comfort to a basic car.... in fact, the £1200 extra for the Ghia version added 4x Ghia badges, rain sensing wipers and a silver gear knob (and no, its not real silver)

I understand that a diesel engine can be a little more noisy, but this thing is deafening..... whenever I drive the car I have a flock of seagulls (the feathered variety and not the 80's pop band) behind me wondering when I'm gonna start ploughing.... It really is that bad.

But it is cheap to run..... it requires no oil or servicing and a tank full of chip fat will last for 400 miles.... so I guess it's done its job so far....

But now I'm getting the chance to change it.... why? cos of my gammy leg! I just happened to mention it to the fleet manager, and he/she said under the current agreement I can change the car to an automatic on medical grounds.... and as there are no affordable automatics in the pool I can go ahead and order a brand new motor (as long as its an auto).

I do know it wont be another FORD and not just because the Fiesta is a bag of arse. The main reason for not wanting another FORD is their Franchise holder Dagenham Motors.... They have to be the rudest people I've had the misfortune to deal with. A truly awful bunch of people to work with.

I'll let ya know what I get...

for no other reason.

2007-09-20T16:14:00.000+01:00

Things I have carried home while drunk.

The wooden pineapple from the top of a fence (still located in an indoor plant in Highpoint)
A 10 inch high letter "H"
A nurse belonging to a house mate
A front door
various car ariels
A pair of tramps trousers, bought in London while on a bender
Bebe Hudd

this sceptred isle

2007-09-16T09:06:00.000+01:00

This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by Nature for herself Against infection and the hand of war, This happy breed of men, this little world, This precious stone set in the silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of less happier lands,-- This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

William Shakespeare, "King Richard II", Act 2 scene 1

Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)

I'd never imagine I would be quoting Shakespeare in this blog. But while putting the finishing touches to the above photo, the words to this famous passage came back to me. 500 years on and I really cant think of two better bed mates than this picture and those words.

Giant Cola Cubes

2007-09-15T21:54:00.000+01:00

No Em, no On Call..... no sleep

750 miles round trip......................

to take some sunrise pictures of Bamburgh Castle

....and some very large Cola Cubes

The full show can be found here

Ten Thousand Visitors

2007-09-04T11:47:00.000+01:00

I've just noticed I've had over 10,000 visitors to this Blog...... Most of them have wanted me to buy either Viagra, hair restorer or help them share out millions of $'s by using my bank account.... Just how lucky am I!

I'm officially more popular than Small Pox. Marvelous!

Alchemy

2007-09-04T07:51:00.000+01:00

Take one jar of premium pickled onions, 200g's of mussels and prawns and an assortment of snacks and mix liberally with copious amounts of Pepsi Max

Retire to a safe distance and brew at body temperature for 10 hours.

Last night, I had to tie the duvet down with tent pegs.

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 3)

2007-09-03T11:05:00.000+01:00

Dream 3:

I don't want to go into details about this one. It's more or less me trying to find out why Linda's Family shunned me completely when she left. It revolves around her creating a diversion to take away the truth about her infidelity.

Analysis:

Is there something more to this 14 years on? Am I so bored with life that my subconscious has decided to pick a fight with me while I sleep

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 2)

2007-09-03T10:14:00.002+01:00

Dream 2:

This is an odd one. I'm in Wales (my usual short break destination on the bike) in an unknown pub/hotel. I get the feeling that I'm there to judge a competition, I cant elaborate on the subject cos I've no idea, there's no paraphernalia around me to suggest any kind of competition, I just have this "feeling".... anyhow.

I'm in this Welsh pub, various people sitting around drinking, mostly old fellas wearing cloth caps and plaid suits (?). I then get this overwhelming sensation of responsibility, the kind you get when worrying about ya kids and their future.

I then discover that my cat is with me. In the dream I don't question this, not only would I never take Addie to any public place but she passed away over 6 months ago.

In the dream I worry about getting her back home, even tho she seems perfectly happy in the pub. I then have fractured recollections of her playing with me, jumping on me and snuggling into me like she used to..... But the overall memory was being able to actually feel her in my hands, and that big bushy tail brushing against my face including that tell tail twitch in my nose that reminds me I'm allergic to cat hair.

Conclusion:

Did she come and visit me in my dream? Was she telling me that where ever she is now, she's OK?

Or was it my need to feel useful or wanted invading my subconscious?

My 3 day dream bizarre

2007-09-03T09:55:00.000+01:00

Dream 1:

I start off driving, somewhere in the north east... It's a coastal town and I come across a huge steep hill... in fact its so steep I'm unsure if the car will get up it. But it must be OK, cos all the way up the hill and on top there are shops and houses and people milling about. So, I start on up the hill (in the car). I notice to my left there's the usual vista of the North Sea, except its really close.... and its in a bad mood.

As I travel up the hill, I notice that no-one else is the slightest bit concerned that the approaching tide & waves are lapping the bottom of the hill..... and then I notice I'm running out of gears as I traverse up the hill, 4th, then 3rd, then 2nd...... and now 1st gear..... the car is struggling, the waves are getting closer, the hill is getting steeper.

I eventually scramble out of the car, just as I get a hold of the crest of the hill with my bare hands...... someone comes and grabs my arm from the top, but the crest of the hill is crumbling because of the sea spray from the all engulfing waves lapping at my feet.

At this point my subconscious seems to have had its fun and decides its time to change the subject. I'm fully awake.

Analysis:

It's probably the hip thing... The hard struggle ahead I would guess. But do I really need my subconscious to put it so brutally?

The Plan

2007-08-31T09:33:00.000+01:00

It's not certain, but I'm fairly sure I'll be getting a new leg soon (when I say leg, I actually mean hip, but effectively, it's a new leg).
I've not seen the quacks yet, but I've had enough, Emily has had enough, work has had enough, and anyone who reads this has probably had enough....
The only person who hasn't had enough is my Rheumatologist who charges £200 a visit to do little more than grimace at me half undressed and who fails to inspire confidence by asking me "which hip is it again?"

I think it's time to book an appointment with Dr Mengele again.

The other reason for wanting the opp now is that I'm the size of a small bungalow (furnished with a large unkempt garden at the rear) with less mobility. You see, as my mobility decreases my lard content increases, and the easiest way I've found for loosing the lard is to walk... (the distance I can walk without inflickting damage is rapidly decreasing, anything over half a mile now has me in agony).

and so to the plan....

I want to climb (walk) up Helm Crag in the Lake District about this time next year.

You see, I figure that if I have my new leg fitted at the end of October this year, I'll probably be fit enough to walk up a steep hill by August/September 2008.

I've chosen Helm Crag mainly because of a certain Mr A Wainwright's Pictorial Guides to the Lake Land Fells. A 7 book series to the fells (hills and bigger hills but not quite mountains) within the Lake District (North West England).

Helm Crag is a little easier than some of the other monsters and has a fantastic view of the valley and Grasmere..... all I need is some basic walking gear and the best part of a day to do it.... and a hotel to stay for the weekend.

I'd like to do all this on a weekend, drive up there, book into a hotel, Saturday morning walk to the summit of Helm Crag and spend the rest of the evening in the hotel bar celebrating with my new hip.... then home at some point Sunday..... after the traditional Sunday Lunch of course.

I'm gonna book a room for myself at the Waterside Hotel in Grasmere for the weekend of 22/23 August 2008.... although they arnt taking bookings for August 2008 as yet.

I know its a long way off (time wise), but if anyone fancies tagging along they are more than welcome.

today, I will be that ghost.

2007-08-27T07:39:00.000+01:00

Wow.... how quiet can a place be? How excited about [another] new day can someone be?

This morning was very different to the last nine. Not once did I have to say "Shhhhh" people are still asleep! or ask what should we have for breakfast today.....

The flat is still the same, but there's a huge void. The TV's not on, there's no trail of coloured paper, wrappers, crisps, colouring pens, socks, the odd shoe or bits of Barbie that I need to navigate.

Today, my big chair is empty. Thats were Em can usually be found first thing,wrapped in her Barbie dressing gown, waiting for me to join her while the pain au choc warms up in the kitchen.

They say ghosts are attracted to kids because of the huge life force they contain.......

today, I will be that ghost.

Very important kettle news

2007-08-13T11:03:00.000+01:00

So Emily has outgrown the local park when it comes to cycling, the next step was to find somewhere she can ride without having to deal with traffic. Not a problem, I remember the Lookout in Bracknell has miles and miles of cycleways for her to play on..... only this time I'd have to join her..... on my own bicycle. That of course introduces more problems, things like, can I actually ride a bike with my gammy leg? will the bike still work (it's been at the back of the garage for about 7 years), and how the hell do I transport two bicycles in a Ford Fiesta?

Ok, problem one: Can I still ride a bike with my gammy leg?

Yes, I tested my ability by borrowing the lodgers bike (sorry bicycle, if you know my lodger then you'll also know about his stash of marriage certificates) . Surprising enough it didn't hurt at all, well the riding didn't, but getting my leg over did (oh boy, that last statement rings true in so many other situations). I found that if I almost lay the bike flat I can straddle it then lift it into position... it looks just as stupid as it sounds... but it works.

Problem two: Does my bike still work 7 years on?

Yes. The tires needed pumping up, a little WD40 in a few places and new batteries for the lights and cycle computer and it was set.

Problem three: Fitting two bikes to a Ford Fiesta

Solved by shedding out £50 on a bike rack, which to my surprise actually worked!

S0, Sunday saw Em and me in Swinley Forest attempting to circumnavigate other cyclists, walkers, walkers with buggies, runners, runners with buggies and what looked like the entire contents of Battersea Dogs Home.... also with buggies.

Anyway, we managed to dodge them all but did succumb a few times to the loose gravely surface but escaped with only slight bruises to the ego. The important part was Em loved it all, and through falling off she also gained knowledge of braking and picking out a more stable route.

Like to see some pictures? well you cant cos I forgot my camera, anyhow, it's not pretty seeing me on a bike, especially in shorts (no, not cycling shorts, there are limits.... and probably decency laws).

Instead, here's a picture of my new kettle

The Last....

2007-07-31T09:48:00.000+01:00

I have nothing of interest to say, I understand thats never stopped me before, but for some reason I feel the urge to post something here........ and I need an alternative to the grinding tedium of enforced labour I'm currently experiencing.

The most interesting thing I have to do today is have the tires on my evil Ford Fiesta balanced.... Not even the Buggles "Living in the plastic age" can bring my outta this tedious mood. Anyhow, to try and get some human response (even if it is virtual) I've concocted a LIST of "The Last.."...

Rules are simple, there arnt any. But if you're the type that needs some sort of structure then this should help.

Copy the list below, add your name at the top, delete any previous responses then post back here so we can all attempt to deduce your bank account details, social security number and whether or not you need professional help.

Here goes....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My Name is Dave, and I'm a blogger and I'm male

The Last.....

person you punched.
Paul Robinson. We were both 11 years old. He was gonna beat me up, so I lamped him one while he was taking his pullover off

haircut, how much was it
£16 with a £4 tip

time you thought you were gonna die
I was about 11 years old. I got hit in the head with a flying bolt that Paul Robinson threw at me. I've still never seen so much claret....... or anytime I fly

holiday
Bike Trip to Wales last month

flowers you sent/received
Sent: 2 or 3 years ago, probably to Bebe. Received: Never

album/single/song you bought (and how, store, download, bribe?)
Buggles: Plastic Age. Downloaded

paid job you had
Drum Tech, The Wonder Stuff Tour 2006

alcoholic drink you had
Bulmers Cider, 2 days ago

bowel movement
Yesterday..... but there's still some questions left, you never know!

Kiss
Romantic: probably 2 years ago.

Stitch (either cosmetic, accident, or self prescribed (like Rambo))
Never! not even the flying bolt resulted in stitches (just butterfly clips)

time you cheated on a loved one
Never, not once.... mostly cos I'm bloody ugly and never get propositioned

lie you told your boss
30 seconds ago. He saw the blogger editor! I simply picked up a pen, threw it down the walkway and said "FETCH". Works everytime

time you felt that initial "I'm in love!" feeling
1000 years ago

pair of shoes you bought
I have a feeling it was about 3 years ago.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Management intervention saves the day

2007-07-23T15:15:00.000+01:00

HEADLINES: Impending flood at HAL Weybridge office averted by management intervention.

The Environment Agency issued a "very possible....... probably, you never know" flood alert within the Weybridge/Addlestone area. Businesses within the area should "do something or other" to prevent things getting damp, moist or just plain wet.

In response, HAL management convened an emergency meeting at its Weybridge Offices to decide on what should be done about the flood warnings

The plans revealed by its spokesperson involves several senior managers standing at the banks of the Wey Navigation, pointing and instructing the flood waters to cease its advancement and return to the hills from whence it came.

"Operation King Canute will deliver results that are in-line with our business model and will achieve double-digit flood reduction" said a spokesperson.

When asked why the operation had been named after a legendary 11th century King who failed to turn back the tide the spokesman replied "we think the King had the perfect answer, hence the adoption of the name, he failed [King Canute] because he wasn't an "Officer Of The Company" and therefore didn't have the necessary authority"

The spokesperson then added.

"Expectations for success of Operation King Canute are extremely high but should the Operation fail we will instigate our contingency plan which includes a DSG (designated scapegoat), a large sweeping brush and an already lumpy carpet.

Tiggy.

2007-07-16T11:08:00.000+01:00

Tiggy.... it what we called the game of "Tag" up north.... which included variations like "Tiggy on high" which involved jumping from coalhouse roof to coalhouse roof in the street (Billy Elliot dances on his coalhouse roof... which, by the way, was filmed in the town I grew up in)

All of which has little to do with the following..... PT tagged me (a blogger tag that is) and as I wasn't standing on my coalhouse roof I have to accept..... and I didn't have "Skinchies" either

The rules are simple…Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The
rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are
listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their
names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know
that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog

Facts/Habits

I have a "system" of washing certain body parts in a certain order in the shower. I should point out that they are all my own body parts and this is no way an admission of guilt. The vegetable patch in the shape of my ex wife is purely coincidental and I had planning permission for the patio months before she left.
I shave south of the border. Visits to Scotland tend to be matted and itchy
I record episodes of "Last of the Summer Wine"
I kiss and thank "Mr Blue Sky" every time I make it back to my garage after a rideout
I MUST remove the tea bag BEFORE I add milk
I sleep with one leg out of the bed and higher than the other (can be either leg too)
I can only eat Weetabix in private
While watching TV, I make shapes in the air with my foot.... mostly types of loops and figure 8's.... I may start drawing out these shapes on paper, it could be the start of a new kind of workout.... Quick, someone think of a witty name for it!

According to the rules I'm supposed to tag 8 other people..... I don't know 8 other people with blogs that would play...... So I need to rely on any lurkers out there who read this blog but never comment.....

Remember to link back here, we're all very curious to find out more!

New title

2007-07-05T10:38:00.000+01:00

New title, or if I were in marketing, had no soul and the morals of pond life, I'd probably call it "Re-Branding".

But for the grace of God......

Anyhow, I've done it. Gone is the Lobster that served me so well in the early days. No more will "Breakfast" be put on a lead and walked down the street.

Instead I now have what I think should be printed on almost anything that has a value to most people. Be it a new car, that house you've saved all these years for, the new born child, the job and career, and the most important of all documents, the marriage certificate.

All need to have the *Happiness not included stamped somewhere. Just as toy manufactures have the disclaimer "* Batteries not included" stamped on the package to inform the stupid and careless that their latest purchase actually needs electricity to run. I think we need to inform the masses that happiness is seldom listed as part of the ingredients and never in a binding contract.

The content wont change, it'll still be full of half thought out notions, ill conceived rants, self pitty emotive and possibly libelous posts.

So, let me know what you think.

It's nobbly and bobbly.

2007-07-04T09:41:00.000+01:00

This is a Nobbly Bobbly. .....

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It's just an ice lolly.

But don't be fooled. It probably contains Nicotine, Heroine and/or Crack Cocaine

See. I had no intention of eating an Ice lolly at 09.15 this morning, but look. The horny little devil seduced me with its nobbly bobbly bits filled with illegal substances... probably.

No

2007-07-02T10:17:00.000+01:00

No....

Emily
Lodger
On Call
Club Rideout
Phone Calls
Post
Debates
Visitors
Family Visits
Emails
Video Games
Whispering
Arguments
Cooked Meals
Coffee
Wet bathroom carpet
Nobbly Bobbly's
Conversations
Clothes
Deliveries
Shouting
Commitments

"What did you do this weekend Dave?"

"Nothing, and it was everything I Imagined it would be"

It's persisting down

2007-06-26T19:18:00.000+01:00

I found Belgium! It's at the end of France if you need a point of reference.
So, 1001.5 miles in 3 days. No one fell off or broke down and only one puncture amongst 80 bikes. The IAM should be proud!

I was impressed by the Eurotunnel as there's very little fannying about, ride on, wait 30 minutes then ride off into France. As it was my first time the captain invited me onto the flight deck. He then attempted to chat me up and ask me out on a date, I turned him down of course.

The picture above is of the Eurotunnel flight deck on the British side. On the French end the steering wheel is on the other side and the electrics are dodgy.

The entire trip ended up being extremely wet, it started raining at Junction 11 off the M25 in the UK and didn't stop 'till 10 minutes after I got back.

The most impressive thing about riding on the European mainland is the lack of traffic, no open shops and..... no people! I also noticed that the few locals we did meet could speak fairly good English, which is how it should be of course.

I have a medical condition which prevents me from understanding foreign languages but have since managed to say a few french phrases, mostly gibberish, some offensive and a few made up. As I didn't get thumped or arrested I consider that a success.

I also met a fellow WVAM member called Peter Lee. Which is odd because I used to live in Peterlee but was purged sometime ago. No doubt he's got a very large colon. I didn't get much further with Peter as he hummed of "management" and had a forced ambitious side to him. I've no doubt he's a very nice person and will end up happily married to a beautiful and faithful wife with a big house and own several large screen TV's and a heated swimming pool.

Briefly

2007-06-20T15:31:00.000+01:00

Quickly barman, the worlds about to end

Emily's 7th birthday bowling party was a hoot and everyone enjoyed themselves.

My sister, niece and nephew weren't nearly as obnoxious as I thought they would of been

I have no idea where Belgium is

I have a new hoover

Everyone at work thinks I'm a c**t, but the voices in my head tell me different.

I'm riding to Belgium at the weekend

I ate 8 Nobbly Bobbly's on Sunday

Bleach can un-stain a stained sink

My lavatory cant handle large amounts of human waste

The gene that helps you understand a foriegn language was chemically removed from me at an early age by applying light machine oil to the underarms

Road Trip....

2007-06-06T09:47:00.000+01:00

This should be fun. Milo is playing a charity event on Saturday in Stourbridge and I've been invited along to a bit of a pub crawl in and about the local environs by Milo's brother Russ.

The pub crawl was organised quite sometime ago, so long ago that I've completely forgotten the reason why.... and being a bloke I'm not about to admit that to anyone (who hasn't read this blog of course).

I love going to the midlands, it's a kinda home coming, even tho I'm not from Brimingham or the Black Country.

The reason I feel so comfortable there is the music. I've always had a leaning towards music from that area. Dunno why, it just is..... Slade, Duran Duran, Electric Light Orchestra, The Wonder Stuff, Miles Hunt, Carina Round, PWEI to name a few.

So, expect a few photo's

Dave "Battenburg" Dawson......

2007-05-29T13:56:00.000+01:00

Last week saw another live gig by Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls to promote Mr Hunts new solo album "Not an exit". As usual, a fine performance which has a tendency to restore my faith in humankind just long enough to get me to the next live event.

When Milo does a solo tour it usually includes a stop off at the Half Moon in Putney, that means it's a local gig.... which in turn allows me to get horribly drunk and to revel in Mr Hunts creations.

Now, Miles is well known for his banter between songs, sometimes he explains the story behind the song, sometimes not.... it can be a lottery. What you don't expect is to hear your name mentioned with regard to one of his songs, which is what happened last week.

Unfortunately, I'd past the point of being attentive to what was being said and missed the gist of why I'd been named.

The song I'd been linked to was "The Cake", a title on the new album...... Thank heavens it wasnt "Size of a cow". I didnt have time after the gig to ask what the connection is as Milo was busy signing stuff and I had a lift to catch.... anyhow, whatever the connection, its bloody great being associated with anything that fella produces.

I 'ate you Butler

2007-05-18T11:21:00.000+01:00

The original idea was that I "help" a mate with a few issues when it comes to drum fills and breaks. Should be easy enough, an hour on the throne and he'll be breaking around the kit like a pro. Seems teaching is a little more difficult, especially as Aaron (the fella in question) has the rhythm of a collapsing building..... which is a little ironic as from a distance it sounds like he's building a shed*

After several cups of tea it was decided that I'd stick around for the nights session. It came to pass that Aaron had borrowed a small....very very small mixing desk.... no not desk..... more post it pad sized thing along with two studio mics.

Considering that there were to be 2 guitars (bass and electric 6'er), drums, keyboards and two vocalists I decided to opt out of the logistics of gathering all those sounds together into something that resembled organised music. Eventually, when the stench of too many cooks had dispersed we were left with one spare singer and a keyboard without an amp. Apparently the only audience for the keyboard was to be the tape recorder as it seems it plays no role within the band.... don't ask

As it happened I had a bit of a hoot, there were times when bass, guitar and drums found that groove, enjoyed the surroundings, admired the swirlyness before being ejected into the street for groping some blokes squeeze by mistake..... I think its called being creative, sometimes you hit the nail on the head and other times you run screaming into the road hoping to be hit by a number 11 bus to the cemetery gates.

Now then, when I was in a band our "tapes" were kept very close to our chests, most 'cos they were bloody awful, but deep down, we knew we could do better. We'd keep them under wraps until we were tight and could maybe afford some recording time (although we never did).

Aaron decided to "release" them on t'internet. Said like that, it conjours up images of some endangered species being set free in the middle of nowhere, to live out the rest of its days unhindered by man's intervention. Unfortunately, this "tape" should of been corralled into a small area then humanly put to death, quietly and with as much dignity that can be mustered.

Of course I'm being very critical, every journey starts with a single step and this is very much a wobbly stumble across the lino. Who knows, with a little practice it may turn into a runner.

Anyhow, here's a link to the site.... but be careful, its a shocker. Scree

* Aaron. Don't be too upset about my criticisms. This is a blog and artistic licence is in play

I want to ride my bicycle

2007-05-10T18:05:00.000+01:00

As you can see, SHE RIDES WITHOUT STABILISERS!!!

But best of all, she did it with her Daddy. Something she wont forget and will carry with her forever, as I will.

Of course she needs a few more hours in the saddle to help with stopping, starting and turning.... but apart from that, she'll be fine!

Water.....

2007-05-04T11:06:00.000+01:00

I'm a product of the industrial 70's. I'm built from processed foods, crimpolene, terylene, artificial sweeteners and I probably contain more E numbers than a primary school's kitchen

My body has a half life of several thousand years and will continue to contaminate the water table for some time to come..... although I do seem to be dissolving from the inside out.... my hip and thyroid is one example and the other is currently blocking the lavatory back at the flat (sorry about that John*..... I attempted to tackle it this morning but as I approached it with the kitchen chair and the builders trowel I swear it growled at me!)

This of course has nothing to do with this post... well not much. You see, I just happened to come across a TV program some weeks ago that suggested Aspartame could be linked with the onset and continuation of arthritis, which is the diagnosis I've been given for my knackered hip.

So, I thought I'd attempt to remove this artificial sweetener from my diet...

That means not drinking anymore "diet" soft drinks (amongst other things of course). So, I was on water only..... I've never been fond of drinking water, I dont really like the taste.... and I've seen what fish do it in.... Then there's bottled water, which has too much of a poncy feeling about it... no, It'll have to be filtered tap water. UK tap water is about as pure as you can get, really..... I filter it cos of the fish thing. I know its irrational, but with the help of a Brita water filter I'm overcoming it.

You know, this chilled filtered tap water is quite nice, I do lapse occasionally and have the odd can of Pepsi Max, but not often. I've even been testing out some brands of Tea.... I'm currently drinking two types at the moment......Twinings Pure White Tea and a Ginger Herbal Tea... which is surprisingly tasty.

Next week I shall be experimenting with Yoga.

* John is my lodger, he rents a room from me. He is not my gay live in lover. If I was gay I'd pick someone much better looking (someone "scrummy")

Can we stop to do some shopping?

2007-04-30T11:57:00.000+01:00

If you have a bike, then go to Wales..... unless its a Hardly-Ableson as they have corners and bends in Wales that require you to lean the machine into. Something the Hog was never designed to do.

I've just come back from 3 days of intensive biking (750 miles in total). Five blokes, four of them IAM level and one who's almost there..... and not one whining over sensitive fun bothering ~~female~~ person in sight...

God is a biker, there's no other reason to arrange the hills and valleys of Wales in a way that makes almost every road a technical adventure to negotiate on a bike. The Devil of course drives an underpowered Skoda towing an unfeasibly large caravan, or as I like to call them, moving chicanes.

Luckily for us, the Devil was off shaking chimney stacks in Kent and left the Welsh roads caravan free. Bloody fantastic.

Left hander......possible knee down event.

I quickly and unconsciously skim through "the system".... the bend is visible all the way through, nowt on the road, nothing to hit, my position adjusted, just left of the long white divide. Speed and gear selection needs to be perfect, enough speed to keep the adrenalin flowing and the correct gear to neutralise the suspension bias front and back.

Everything slows down, becomes quiet and I feel a tightness spread across my face as the inevitable grin begins to show.... Arse slips off the seat to the left, right elbow anchors itself into the recess contoured into the tank design, left knee and leg rotate outwards ready to skim the bitumen.
Subconsciously I begin the turn, but thats not enough to do this correctly, I need to apply some science and have heroic amounts of self belief to stop under-steering and meeting an oncoming tree....or worse.
Forcing a 1000 yard stare up the road to where I need to be in just a few short seconds and applying a forward push on the left bar to countersteer the bike and myself around the apex...... Ground rush becomes apparent to peripheral vision as the lean angle increases.....I try not to think of the forces being transmitted through the bike, to the suspension and down to the tires and onto a contact patch with the road the size of a credit card.

I can feel the increase in G's spike then begin to fade, perfectly in unison with the degrees of lean. The throttle is slowly opened making sure I don't over do it and spoil the whole experience by spinning up the rear tire too early and invoking a spleen shattering high-side......

As the bike returns to its perpendicular attitude and my arse finds its usual residence I begin to hear a strange noise in my helmet , sounds like a screaming, giggling, over excited 10 year old at a Beyonce concert....... feck...... that noise belongs to me.

Oh look! another bend up ahead...... possible knee down event.

Note to self....

2007-04-23T15:08:00.000+01:00

Who needs drugs when you've got music? It can change your mood quicker than a dose of prozak..

So, Mr Hunt is out and about on another tour along with Miss Fidley (aka Erica, pictured above... ain't she scrummy!). I urge you to pop over to his new Myspace page and have a listen to Note to self, to say its bloody marvellous is an understatement in the extreme.

The tour is planned to coincide with the new album released at the end of this month (Not an Exit), so if ya liked the samples on his webpage then get yaself a ticket or two and who knows, I might see ya soon....

I'll be in the usual place at the Half Moon in Putney May 22nd, in the usual drunken state I expect.

Is that bone I can smell burning?

2007-04-23T12:15:00.001+01:00

Damn my dodgy hip....

I'm at the stage where I'm attempting to help my daughter to ride a bike. She's 6 and very confident..... which is great, but you do need some basics before you take the training wheels off... like the ability to point the bike in a direction that dosent end up in a collision with either people, trees, kerbs or me. The use of "brakes" seems to be an afterthought... usually after she's hit something.

So, I've been out to the park attempting to "help".... but how? I've found it very difficult to just "let her go" or perhaps that should read "let her fall off".... I got her knee protectors, elbow protectors, hand protectors and a cycle helmet, but its still not enough to put my mind at rest. Maybe I should let her wear the gear instead of me..

Eventually my hip decided it was time I should let her go, I'm not built for jogging in any condition let alone 23 degrees of sunshine.... unless being chased by carnivorous wild animals which thankfully are few and far between within the M25 area. Actually, I'm not really built for any kind of outside hard labour, my genes lie with a life of cold underground digging. When I'm exposed to sunshine my skin turns from its natural northern blue-white shade to a very angry and burnt red colour.

Anyhow, Emily did very well, she scared herself a few times as well as a few passing joggers and dog walkers but didn't actually fall off. Best of all she enjoyed it although she didn't quite get to ride without the training wheels.... maybe next week

I had to resort to a heroic dose of combined pain killers and the walking stick came out to play again..... I just hope Em cracks riding the bike sooner rather than later as the smell of burning hip joint isn't pleasant.

Oh well.

Barking mad

2007-04-17T14:43:00.001+01:00

Everything seems to be sorted in the flat.... well, all the major stuff anyhow. For a single bloke that means all the audio/visual equipment is installed and my clothes are still in boxes in the bedroom.

Still dont know a great deal about my neighbours, I'm sandwiched between two single mothers with an undisclosed number of children..... all below the age of 5. As these flats were built in the 70's before compressed straw-walls were invented I've found little noise pollution, but ask me again in another month or so.

The car park outside the flats tells me there's a copper living close, as well as a taxi driver.... the other inhabitants have alluded me so far.

The only strange thing worth mentioning are the kids in the taller block of flats over the road...... they.....bark. Once you get over the initial shock you start to notice that it's not just one type of bark, they seem to be able to produce several types of canine auditory manifestations which include howling, yelping, growling, snarling and occasional whimpering. Thankfully we're separated by a large fence and brick garages. I've have yet to determine if they also foul the pavements and/or bite

The Groove Controller

2007-04-05T11:28:00.001+01:00

"The Groove Controller"

Secondhand Serenade

2007-04-03T14:33:00.001+01:00

I just cant help it, there's something very warm and now and friendly about an acoustic guitar.

Maybe its just me and the people I've had around me while growing up in a northern town. Very difficult to say what you really mean except when its presented in song on an acoustic guitar.

So, go and sooth ya lugs and listen to whats on offer from this fella.... dunno how much of all the lovey-dovey stuff I can put up with, but it's holding my attention so far.

Secondhand Serenade

My fav at the moment is Maybe, then possibly Your Call (which is a little too sweet for me)

Anyhow, let me know what ya think.

It's all down to me

2007-04-03T11:59:00.001+01:00

I no longer need wonder at what point someone else is gonna make me homeless. Which is the feeling I've had since 1993.

I'm the sole name on my mortgage. And that's the way it will stay. I understand that other factors may come into play to force me into a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere, but at least it wont be on a whim and a prayer of some vacuous shallow bint with the morals of a footballers wife.

I came out the other end of my little adventure, battered, bruised and scared for life. It wont happen again, and because of this I carry a small bit of peace that I unfold every night before I fall asleep.

If you're married and a UK bloke then God help you. You'll need it. Our legal system hates you with a passion, it'll leave you bankrupt, homeless and it'll take your children away...especially if you're the one who remained faithful as blame isn't a factor when dealing with divorce.

Tomorrow I'll be talking about the positive side of suicide.

This is for Kat.

2007-03-24T22:24:00.001Z

I've just read your blog.

...and I'm gutted.

Nothing I say (or anyone else) will help right now. But maybe if you come back at a later stage you'll understand what I've got to say.

First, let me apologise that I havnt replied sooner. As you can see, I've had my hands full, and this is the first time I've been able to check the blogs that matter to me.

Second, it hurts... and I know it.

There's this very large and heavy curtain we like to draw around us when everything we believe in begins to dissolve. It's a very natural defence mechanism which has to take its course. That course can run for some time, there is no formula to work out how long it'll last, all you'll ever know is that eventually it will lift.

Some people never experience it. (usually the mad and the bad)
Some people try to remove it chemically. (but only prolong the agony)
Some people experience it briefly. (the enlightened ones?)

...and some of us...

are never the same again.

Kat, never think you're alone on this one. No matter how small, faraway or insignificant you think I am from your current position, I'll be here... waiting.

I'm In!

2007-03-20T17:29:00.000Z

It's taken me 17 years to get to this point.

but as of the 15th of this month I can now officially call Ocean Finance and get myself some debt consolidation secured entirely on my new home.

how comforting and refreshing.

Anyhow, everything is now moved. All done without the aid of payed movers which I'll never do again.... it was a nightmare. I managed to over do it and bust my hip again and if it wasn't for the following people who gave up time and a little sweat I'd still be in the old gaff in a pool of my own waste.

So, I'd like to thank....

The lodger (Mr Wall, who's transformation into "White Van Man" was like something from Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde)
Chuckie (who supplied heaps of muscle and fat man power)
Pooch (muscle and bike talk)
Paul Haygreen (supplier of muscle and a large Audi Estate)

without these fellas, it wouldn't happen.

Check my bins...

2007-03-12T13:52:00.000Z

I'll be packing tonight... until I move on Thursday.

I think it'll be an equal split between stuff I need to keep and stuff I should keep but cant be arsed to.

Things I've had to throw out so far.....

Sony DV Camcorder with remote, spare battery, cleaning tape and case.
Bin bags full of XXL clothing I never wore
Enough PC parts to make at least 2 reasonable computers and dozens of mice/keyboards
Motocross helmet
Full set of leathers for a smallish woman
2x Motorcycle jackets
Rotofit hamster house
Tivo
Sony VHS Recorder
Single Bed
Lodger

The bodies under the floorboards can stay... that febreze stuff is great.

And dont worry about not giving me a hand to shift all this stuff.... I'm sure with enough tramadol, ibuprofen and paracetamol the constant pain in my hip will subside after the first couple of trips down the 3 flights of stairs in my present flat.....after all, I've got all my family to give a hand! what with the constant visiting and phone calls I get from them you'd never think I'm ONLY 4 HOURS DRIVE AWAY.

I'd like to thank....

2007-03-06T14:54:00.000Z

Well, looks like I'll be moving to a new gaff next week.

This has all been going on since early January, but I've not really blogged about it..... mainly because of my inherent bad luck when making something public knowledge... so I've kept my gob shut.

As it stands at the moment I've had a mortgage offer, the sellers have accepted, dates have been confirmed and there's a large bag of money somewhere in south London with the sellers name written all over it.

But the best bit of all? it'll be all mine! (in 25 years time that is).

There'll be no soul sucking woman in the background waiting for the moment when she can legally take everything I own, make me bankrupt, have me thrown in jail for frowning and making her "fear for her own safety" which will enable her to take my children to live with some fat idiot in a house paid for and furnished by me.... all with the full backing and support of the legal system.

So, I'd like to thank the following people for making this purchase possible...

My ex wife: for making me see how shallow, greedy and dishonest one human being can be.

Emily: for being so special. It made me put a lot of fear to one side so she can eventually have something to call her own.

Chuckie: for pushing me mentally to get this done.

My Financial Advisor: for not laughing too much at my predicament and helping me through this minefield.

Beaten by a 6 year old...

2007-02-25T16:05:00.000Z

I managed to get a hold of a Nintendo Wii console... along with a copy of Wii Sports, which has already claimed its first victim. Although Chuckie will deny it, playing boxing on Wii Sports put him outa action for at least 2 days with a knackered back.

Anyhow, this weekend I introduced Em to bowling on the Wii, not only did she pick it up really quickly she now holds the record on the console. It's not much fun being hammered by a 6 year old so I quickly changed to a different game, she cant be any good at boxing, I mean, she's six..... and a girl.

She now holds the boxing record too... soon afterwards the console stopped working for some reason (ahem).

When there is a hush that I contain.

2007-02-21T23:11:00.000Z

I'm still 39 at the time of this posting.....

For some reason being 40 has played on my mind, well, to be honest, since I was a teenager. 40 cant happen to me, or if it does I'll have done everything there is to do. Being 40 when I was a kid, in a mining town was the end. Thats it fella, you've had ya lot, sit back and perfect the art of being increasingly useless, embarrassing and alcoholic with serious bladder weakness and a mistrust of people who smile.

But back then I still had enthusiasm hope and glory, I could make a difference and hopefully, with a lot of luck and help from like minded people I'd somehow make the world a better place. Cos in the late 70's we had a choice, either be another coughing black lung statistic or perhaps, just perhaps escape to something a little brighter.

And then you come into contact with the arseholes of this world, put here for no reason than to test your faith in the human race. Be it managers, salesmen, politicians, wives, girlfriends, council officials, accountants, anything ginger, people from the Isle Of White, pilots, doctors, dentists or architects they strap you into that chair and spout forth a million reasons why.... YOU ARE WRONG.

And... for a time..... I believed them.

and that's why I havnt done everything I should have done.

Mitigating circumstances M'lod.....

So, I'm asking the Universe for an extension. I need some extended play here. I got sucked into a downward spiral of negativity on a colossal scale..... I think I've done my time, now it's your turn you fuckers, for the lies, for the hurt, for the evil that lives deep within your shallow soulless hearts - you know who you are - welcome to your cheap seats, I hope this really really hurts, keep those pearly whites glowing, cos you're gonna need them where you're going.

If ever I needed some cake, now would be the time.

Knit one, perl one, jam it in ya goolies........

2007-02-11T22:40:00.000Z

I was sent to hospital on Friday, it would seem my Rheumatologist was concerned about my worsening hip and wanted me to have a huge needle jammed into my groin to "withdraw" any puss that might be there...... nice.

Anyhow, after screaming like a girl for most of the procedure the operating doctor told me that the fluid he extracted looked ok, no signs of puss or infection..... which is good cos apparently you can loose a leg if an infection goes unchecked (I assume its the painful leg that gets the chop in these circumstances!)

It came as a great shock to find out I was to stay in hospital over the weekend, I thought I'd be chucked out almost immediately after the needle incident, but the doc wanted to keep me under observation for a few days. Being the tit I am, I didn't bring anything in for the stay, no clothes, no PJ's, no toothbrush/paste, no porn. But thanks to Chuckie (again) he rallied round and got some stuff for me (except the porn)....... Thanks marra, thats another one I owe you.

Of course all the drugs and medication in the world will never make me feel as good as a visit from my little girlie, thanks to Sue and Gary for bringing my Em to see me, she made my weekend much better.

Em brought me a get well soon card which she made herself (without any help from mammy!)

Windows Vista..... or Dave's new girlfriend?

2007-02-04T10:27:00.000Z

Hi, my name is David and I'm an IT consumer cow

Facts:

I know anything that is advertised in the media is a lie.
Microsoft products never live up to their hyped expectations
Microsoft products are grossly overpriced

So, why the hell did I buy Microsoft's new Vista PC Operating System?

Well, I didn't intend to purchase it, as most IT people know you never ever buy any software on its first release, it simply wont work. It'll be bug ridden, at best it'll just crash regularly, at worst it'll destroy any important data and attempt to reduce your hardware to a silicon paste. And you NEVER EVER buy an OS on first release..... The OS is the heart of your computing experience, it has a hand in every single thing that happens on that machine.

Anyhow, I was perusing the isles of PC WORLD, not looking for anything in particular, occasionally giggling at the enormous long queue of irate customers at the "Customer Service" desk waiting for the spotty herbert to tell them that everything the sales person said before the purchase was a lie and the only way of getting your money back would be to take them to court...... and if they don't leave in the next 60 seconds they will be forcibly ejected by the knuckle dragging shaved ape with the word "Security" sellotaped to his chest.

But that's not the point, this is...... PC World managed to mis-lable and price an entire shelf of Vista Home Premium (Full version, not Upgrade) DVD's.

Being a professional within the IT industry and working for a top blue chip IT company I did the right thing...... walked over to the queue of irate people at the customer service desk, told them PC World had dropped a bollock and had mis-priced Vista by £70 and by law MUST sell it to you at the stickered price....... Feeling very please with my self I returned to the checkout with my £70 lighter copy of Vista and bought it.

The manager wasn't happy, but after I'd explained to him that employing "the dangerously bewildered" on minimum wage to sticker goods worth hundreds of pounds was no fault but his own, and that Trading Standards could shut his shop at the drop of a hat if he refused my purchase, this had him smiling sweetly and wishing me a "good day" through gritted teeth.

No doubt the knuckle dragging shaved ape on the door has been trained to recognise me should I ever return and to remove my testicles with impunity.

Oh, and I guess you wanna know how I got on with Vista? Well, lets just say I'm back using XP as I feel being able to use my DVD drive and not having the browser crash every few moments is a bonus. On a technical note, if you have a system with Dynamic Disks then back them up first as Vista will tell you they are knackered and suggest you format...... not good.

It's a bit like previous girlfriends I've had, quite tasty on the outside but filled with disease and a passion to stop you doing anything you like.

Sirloin steak.....right on the bone.

2007-01-21T12:11:00.000Z

Didnt really fancy coming back here. After loosing Addie I had to think about stuff I've never been comfortable with, its nothing anyone can help with, its just stuff that's within all of us but unique to each.... probably.

So, what's the big news? Well, I like to start with the good news first, as there's nothing quite like watching that elated happy-go-lucky smile fade to abject misery right in front of my eyes. (little house on the prairie, girl in gingham dress skipping down slope (the good news)...... suddenly, an Indian scalping party appears at the top of the hill behind and come running and screaming after her - (the bad news))

Good News:

1. My boss has been told to sling his hook. Of course, being a large blue-chip top 500 company it wasn't quite conveyed like that to his minions. It was something like this, ahem.......

"......blah...blah..... bluesky thinking......blah blah..... robust deliverables......Re-aligning GW's skill set to better leverage his potential in new emerging and exciting technologies".... blah blah...repurpose back-end architectures...... blah blah.....strategize one-to-one bandwidth....... blah blah....synergize extensible e-commerce"

in other words he was a kak handed gobshite who couldn't tell the difference between his own arse and an elbow. He single handedly reduced our customer base by a 1/3rd, cost thousands of pounds to the business by renaming the department from something that was self explanatory to something that required a degree in horse-shite to decipher. I wont linger on his social skills, but this fella could make Jade Goodie look like Mother Teresa..... there's more business intelligence in a tramps vest.... and we still have no idea "what he was for"

2. I'm looking for a place to buy.

3. Goober is now 40

Bad news:

I'm now a cripple. I cant walk, I've been screaming like a girl most of the week. My hip has thrown in the towel..... big time. There is NO position I can put my leg where there is NO pain. It's constant and I'm sick of it. I've had to find new and inventive ways of wearing socks. I now have to use a calculator and a set-square to help plan my next bowel movements. You have no idea how stupid you look shouting at your own leg in the middle of a shop when it decides it would be "clever" to ignore the heroic dose of painkillers you've been feeding it.

Anyhow, I've had the consultation with Sweeney Tod (do all Orthopaedic Surgeons have fixations on anything sharp and shiny?) and he is waiting on my MRI results.... which bizarrely I have on my PC right now. So, I should have an answer on which flavour of plastic hip I'll need and when he can slice open my upper thigh and play with his new Black&Decker hammer drill and Meccano No.6 kit to my old bones.

This is an MRI scan of my left hip...apparently. It looks more like Tesco's Meat counter to me.

no title required.....

2006-12-18T11:48:00.000Z

She keeps a distance, but she’s always there, watching, waiting, but most of all anticipating for the time when I return. She knows. We share a bond, and have done for over 16 years, she’s seen a wife and several loves both come and go and not once cast a judgement. Even tho at times I’ve taken her for granted, left for what must seem years at a time, yet she still greeted me with affection and love.

Her very name means “love and understanding”, something I first discovered in the lyrics and music of Stuart Adamson. In recent years she has become an educator to my daughter, teaching her the subtle qualities of care and responsibility, something that is sadly missing from a host of people around us who think they know what “love” means and is shown in their reactions to our situation.

At the moment she is fighting for her life, and the small group which I call “my family” are in limbo…… She is dying, there is no question of that, and with her passing I too will experience another part of “who I am” slip away.

I can only offer her comfort, she will go as she came, cradled in my arms.

My little girlie, my DC, my AddieCat.

Ssssshhhhhh, can you hear the voices?

2006-12-15T10:57:00.000Z

Ok, I don't usually go for these online personality test things, they are only there to sell you a diagnosis of some major character flaw and before you know it you're a gibbering wreck, living under a bridge and £2000 lighter.

But, this one came from Kat, someone who seems to be sane, upstanding and without character flaws (ok, so believing you have a pair of haunted nutcrackers may not pass scrutineering by a professional on a leather chair, it's still harmless.... at the moment, so it doesn't count), so I thought I'd give it a go.....

These are my results..... if you know me, then feel free to comment. If you're a professional shrink and think you can help, then you can find me in the 3rd cardboard box under Staines bridge

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself.

It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought.

You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You are probably English, northern, fat and most likely bald as a coot.

The good news is that you are not paranoid, everyone really does think you're a tit.

If you want to have a go, then go here...... remember to paste your results back here. We can then compare and see who is most likely to knit themselves a suit from the skin of their dead victims.